100 Percent Accurate ‘20s Predictions

A new initiative for the helpless, lonely students at Stuyvesant.

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As the world stumbles into the Rawring ‘20s, and talks of the next world war, some plagues, and global warming all spring up in pop culture, many people shudder to think of what the world has in store for us. Well, worry no more, for I, the self-proclaimed futurist, can confidently say the upcoming 10 years have something good for all of us.

The next decade will be notable for the solutions to many pressing issues. The most important one will occur in the mid-to-late twenties. A shrewd college student, who may be working in his garage as you read this, will release a new prototype zipper that does not get caught on the material directly adjacent to the teeth. This ingenious invention is expected to increase educational time in grammar schools by upwards of 30 percent, decrease the rate of divorce by 14 percent, and halve the global homicide rate. Other noteworthy accomplishments will be sustainable nuclear fusion energy and quantum computing, but their impacts on people’s day-to-day lives are not expected to be as significant as the mighty new zipper.

The most interesting phenomenon to occur in the upcoming years will be the transition of millennials from their twenties and thirties to their thirties and forties. Since millennials' entire existence depends on ragging on the older portion of the population and calling them “boomers,” we will witness them undergo an identity crisis once they recognize that they have become the boomers. Having no other distinguishing characteristics to fall back upon, they will either awkwardly force themselves into zoomer trends, like actually contributing to society, or accept the hideous transformation they've undergone and begin leaving the news running on TV while they work in another room.

Global warming will be solved, eventually. The next POTUS, who will come into office in either 2020 or 2024, will promise political action toward the issue in his or her campaign, but will inevitably disappoint everyone by not being Barack Obama. As fossil fuels continually rise in price due to shortening supply, the world will likely switch back to whale oil as the prime source of energy, seeing as it is far more efficient than other options since it does not produce smoke when burned.

On a more local level, the New York City transit system is going to be revamped. Bill de Blasio will gradually replace every road with a bike path just to prove that there isn't anybody in New York who can stop him. The subway will be filled up with concrete by city officials after the homeless finish colonizing it and ruining it for everyone else. Sorry, railfans, but trains have no place in the future. New York will also be the site of the ‘20s only major war when the “casual” rivalry among people of each of the five boroughs escalates to a full-scale conflict. Staten Island will be completely reduced to rubble, at which point the property value will skyrocket. Brooklyn will obviously come out victorious.

The best advice I have to Spectator readers is to:

Keep consuming media and product mindlessly.

Invest heavily in ZipTec™ stocks.

Clear your browsing history after writing a Humor article.

Let’s have a good decade, everyone!