Humor
11 Proposals to Guarantee Your Election as Mayor
Your policies if you were the mayor of New York City
Planet Stuy: The Dean
The following documentary details the dean, a creature that stalks the halls of Stuyvesant, hunting students for their phones.
The College Essay That Got Me Into Every Ivy
The best personal statement ever (guaranteed admission into any school).
Open Haunt: A Stuyvesant High Scare
By Florence Wu, Iman Nawaz, Matthew Chen, Zobia Syed
13-year-old Rowena thought an Open House meant cool high school science labs and free snacks. Little did she know that a seemingly innocent visit would turn into endless face-to-face encounters with unexpected greetings from the supernatural at Stuyvesant’s Fall Open House. As the world around her slowly twists into a real-life horror story, Rowena has to face the question that no sane 13-year-old should ever ask themselves—could her dream high school be haunted?
French Teachers from Elite Stuyvesant High School Caught Red Handed in Louvre Heist—New Fork Toast EXCLUSIVE
By Dinara Gargu, Noa Salas Adam, Stella Krajka
New footage shows the beloved French teachers at the scene of the crime.
White House Cracks Down on Trick-or-Treaters in Response to “Offensive Halloween Costumes”
By Selina Lin
The White House responds to children’s “offensive Halloween costumes.”
Title: “Invisible No Longer!”: Ghosts Unionize for Safer Haunting Conditions
The undead deserve rights too! Ghosts across the U.S. and Canada strike after centuries of unfair haunting.
Our Top Three Fall Recipes for Stuy Students
The Stuyvesant Spectator is not responsible for any adverse effects of the following recipes.
The Twelve Stages of Stuy Students
Every September marks a new year at Stuyvesant, and as the year unfolds, the cycle starts again. One piece of advice: brace yourself.
BREAKING: SLIWA EXPOSED! What is REALLY Under the Beret?
The Spectator’s investigation into Curtis Sliwa’s ratical agenda.
Exposing the Underground Electronics Network at Stuyvesant High School
We conduct an investigation into the dirty secrets of suspicious device-use in Stuyvesant High School.
Bronx Science Alum Zohran Mamdani Proposes Plan to Convert Stuy into a Government-Owned Mixed-Use Building
This is an article about Zohran Mamdani’s plan to convert Stuyvesant into a government-owned mixed-use building.
Making a Good Impression on Your Teachers 101
By Jake Chan
A hapless student attempts to make up for their past failings by making a good impression on their teachers in the new school year
The Earth: Real or Cake?
By Manya Gautam
What happens when the simulation theory is no longer a theory?
Flying Red, Wanted Dead: How the Spotted Lanternfly is OUR Spirit Animal
Lanternflies and we are more similar than meets the eye.
Catching Strays From Your Own APs?
By Jake Chan
A selection of APs roast the choices of Stuy students.
We Dropped Out of Science Olympiad. Here’s Why.
By Brandon Hu, Christian Kim, Erin Cho
Stating why we will leave Science Olympiad (objectively the worst club at Stuy)
Programming Office Releases New Schedules on Halloween
The programming office has decided to give everyone Halloween-themed schedules!
A Disgustingly Detailed Report on the Origins, Effects, and Impacts of 67
For all the confused teachers or non-chronically online students, we at The Spectator’s Humor Department have formed a definitive guide to any and all of your “6-7” questions.
Ridiculous Ways to Solve Real Problems
By John Zeng
How to solve climate change, war, and world hunger effectively
How Are the Fat Bears Faring After Fat Bear Week?
By Selina Lin
The bears of Katmai National Park after Fat Bear Week.
How to Go from Crush to Couple at Stuy as an Introvert
This satirical guide shows introverts how to solve the “math problem” of going from crush to couple.
A Teacher’s Guide to Stuyvesant: Commonly Asked Questions and Answers
By Diya Mallu
A helpful guide for any teachers looking for a job at Stuyvesant.
Kremlin Kung Pao Chicken Index: What It Means For Global Politics
By Selina Lin
A look at Russia’s equivalent of the Pentagon Pizza Index.
What SAT Scores YOU Should Get Based on your Major
By Aaron Xuan, Deon Woon , Maria Tzanova
Advising on how to tackle the SAT based on your dream major.
Disney World decided to raise its prices (again)! Here’s why this means you should now have even more motivation to visit
The Walt Disney World Resort (™) in Orlando, Florida, has proposed some changes to its parks because it thought that its prices were a bit too low. They decided to make some magical additions to your bill!
“Summer of Super” Leads to 400 Percent Increase in “Fantastical Vigilantism”
By Selina Lin
Superhero movies have influenced brand new heroes to take to the streets.
Governor Hochul Touts Phone Ban Success
By Sara Bhuiyan, Sara Chen, Timothy Leung
The new phone ban receives overwhelmingly positive feedback.
Elite Stuyvesant HS imposes AI use in ‘cover-up’ of incompetent WOKE human employees
By Nicole Lui
Stuyvesant High School goes AI-first, and secrets are hiding in its walls.
Trolling the Administration (Literally): If Stuy was an Anarchy
By Manya Gautam
What would it look like if Stuyvesant went rule-free for 24 hours?
Exposing the Underground Electronics Network at Stuyvesant High School
We conduct an investigation into the dirty secrets of suspicious device-use in Stuyvesant High School.
Catching Strays From Your Own APs?
By Jake Chan
A selection of APs roast the choices of Stuy students.
Elite Stuyvesant HS imposes AI use in ‘cover-up’ of incompetent WOKE human employees
By Nicole Lui
Stuyvesant High School goes AI-first, and secrets are hiding in its walls.
We Dropped Out of Science Olympiad. Here’s Why.
By Brandon Hu, Christian Kim, Erin Cho
Stating why we will leave Science Olympiad (objectively the worst club at Stuy)
Six ways YOU can be ready for the finals
Studying isn’t just sitting and reviewing your notes, lotta other stuff too.
Trolling the Administration (Literally): If Stuy was an Anarchy
By Manya Gautam
What would it look like if Stuyvesant went rule-free for 24 hours?
Stuyvesant High School Summer Camp for Overachievers (TM): Worth it?
By Diya Mallu
We review Stuyvesant’s new summer program—book a spot today!
How to Ace Your Participation Grade Without Actually Doing the Work
This satirical piece reveals how to ace your participation grade with tricks, not actual preparation.
11 Proposals to Guarantee Your Election as Mayor
Your policies if you were the mayor of New York City
Planet Stuy: The Dean
The following documentary details the dean, a creature that stalks the halls of Stuyvesant, hunting students for their phones.
The College Essay That Got Me Into Every Ivy
The best personal statement ever (guaranteed admission into any school).
Open Haunt: A Stuyvesant High Scare
By Florence Wu, Iman Nawaz, Matthew Chen, Zobia Syed
13-year-old Rowena thought an Open House meant cool high school science labs and free snacks. Little did she know that a seemingly innocent visit would turn into endless face-to-face encounters with unexpected greetings from the supernatural at Stuyvesant’s Fall Open House. As the world around her slowly twists into a real-life horror story, Rowena has to face the question that no sane 13-year-old should ever ask themselves—could her dream high school be haunted?
French Teachers from Elite Stuyvesant High School Caught Red Handed in Louvre Heist—New Fork Toast EXCLUSIVE
By Dinara Gargu, Noa Salas Adam, Stella Krajka
New footage shows the beloved French teachers at the scene of the crime.
White House Cracks Down on Trick-or-Treaters in Response to “Offensive Halloween Costumes”
By Selina Lin
The White House responds to children’s “offensive Halloween costumes.”
Title: “Invisible No Longer!”: Ghosts Unionize for Safer Haunting Conditions
The undead deserve rights too! Ghosts across the U.S. and Canada strike after centuries of unfair haunting.
Our Top Three Fall Recipes for Stuy Students
The Stuyvesant Spectator is not responsible for any adverse effects of the following recipes.
The Twelve Stages of Stuy Students
Every September marks a new year at Stuyvesant, and as the year unfolds, the cycle starts again. One piece of advice: brace yourself.
BREAKING: SLIWA EXPOSED! What is REALLY Under the Beret?
The Spectator’s investigation into Curtis Sliwa’s ratical agenda.
Who Says That Only Human Ghosts Can Come Back?
By Selina Lin
The spirits of all creatures happen to come back on Halloween night.
Programming Office Releases New Schedules on Halloween
The programming office has decided to give everyone Halloween-themed schedules!
A Disgustingly Detailed Report on the Origins, Effects, and Impacts of 67
For all the confused teachers or non-chronically online students, we at The Spectator’s Humor Department have formed a definitive guide to any and all of your “6-7” questions.
Ridiculous Ways to Solve Real Problems
By John Zeng
How to solve climate change, war, and world hunger effectively
How Are the Fat Bears Faring After Fat Bear Week?
By Selina Lin
The bears of Katmai National Park after Fat Bear Week.
Exposing the Underground Electronics Network at Stuyvesant High School
We conduct an investigation into the dirty secrets of suspicious device-use in Stuyvesant High School.
How to Go from Crush to Couple at Stuy as an Introvert
This satirical guide shows introverts how to solve the “math problem” of going from crush to couple.
A Teacher’s Guide to Stuyvesant: Commonly Asked Questions and Answers
By Diya Mallu
A helpful guide for any teachers looking for a job at Stuyvesant.
Kremlin Kung Pao Chicken Index: What It Means For Global Politics
By Selina Lin
A look at Russia’s equivalent of the Pentagon Pizza Index.
Bronx Science Alum Zohran Mamdani Proposes Plan to Convert Stuy into a Government-Owned Mixed-Use Building
This is an article about Zohran Mamdani’s plan to convert Stuyvesant into a government-owned mixed-use building.
Making a Good Impression on Your Teachers 101
By Jake Chan
A hapless student attempts to make up for their past failings by making a good impression on their teachers in the new school year
What SAT Scores YOU Should Get Based on your Major
By Aaron Xuan, Deon Woon , Maria Tzanova
Advising on how to tackle the SAT based on your dream major.
Disney World decided to raise its prices (again)! Here’s why this means you should now have even more motivation to visit
The Walt Disney World Resort (™) in Orlando, Florida, has proposed some changes to its parks because it thought that its prices were a bit too low. They decided to make some magical additions to your bill!
“Summer of Super” Leads to 400 Percent Increase in “Fantastical Vigilantism”
By Selina Lin
Superhero movies have influenced brand new heroes to take to the streets.
The Earth: Real or Cake?
By Manya Gautam
What happens when the simulation theory is no longer a theory?