All The BEST Places To Go On A Date In NYC!

This article is unlikely to land with a vast majority of this school’s population on account of the utter rizzlessness of you all. (Not the members of the Humor Department though—obviously.) Despite this, we have worked tirelessly to provide this helpful guide for the small minority of this school who do have a romantic interest. Wonder no more about where to go on dates! The prestigious Spectator has already put together a waterproof, fireproof, phone-playing-Brawl-Stars-proof list of the best date locations in this city—because it’s obvious you’re staying in the city. If you take your date to New Jersey, you’re just begging to get dumped.

1. The MET
   Though the MET project season is over, we encourage you to not take the MET off your destination list just yet! What could inspire more feeling than the eyes of George Washington glaring down at you as he somehow doesn’t fall off his boat while traversing the perilous ice blocks of the Delaware River? Is there anything that fills the heart with more passion and warmth than the gaze of Socrates as he furiously yees his last haw? And what could be more romantic than paintings from the Romantic era? I’m… pretty sure that name is accurate, right?
   
   
2. 125 Street Train Station (Subway Rat Haven)
   According to a meme I saw on X-witter (always a trustworthy source), the reason you want to squish cute things is that, because nothing can alleviate how you feel about it being cute, you instinctively want to kill it. I’m going to reasonably infer that Stuyvesant students have basic human decency, and so instead of brutalizing small animals you are more likely to start smiling and/or laughing—always a good thing while on a date. And what is more cute and simultaneously disgusting than a subway rat? Or, I guess, you could go to a Petco and look at their weird hamstRATS. Theoretically.
   
   
3. Central Park
   The previous pick may be unconventional, but we are returning to tradition with everyone’s favorite enormous piece of building-less real estate. Everyone needs to touch grass—couples should obviously be doing it together. Chase the squirrels around! Run in the grass on a summer day! However, beware. All those alumni who say things like “Trust man nothing is harder than Stuy” are wrong because for some of you, going outside your commute is harder.

1. The Hudson Staircase

No comment.

1. Wildberry Cake, 1715 Emmons Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11235, specifically the table in the corner by the mirror and back wall
   This is the only table in this cafe without a terrible draft.  If you sit where the draft is you might get sick, and even miss school on a test day!! But then again, it’s three to four weeks until spring break, so maybe you actually want an excuse to miss school? No no, as that clinic next to the 1-2-3 train station says: “Don’t waste your sick days being sick.”
   So make sure to either sit specifically at the table in the corner by the mirror and back wall or else don’t sit down.

1. Bottom of the actual Hudson River
   Everyone loves tourism (I mean… presumably, why else does this city’s population increase by 20 percent every holiday season), and what better place to go than Stuy’s own backyard! Dead giraffes, steamboat wrecks, radioactive fish… there’s everything you could want in a romantic escapade. And it’s right outside!

1. Staten Island

It’s like going far away, without going far away. The flags are waving above people’s houses. The sun is shining on the quiet, fairly clean streets. People have actual backyards—it’s like a little sector of middle America, but you can take the Staten Island Ferry to get there. If that reminds you a little too much of some parts of New Jersey, just remember this simple fact. Instead of acting like trash, Staten Island grows this peaceful idyll on a foundation of actual, literal trash. From its beginnings as a landfill, it has risen to be a weirdly nice fifth borough of “the greatest city in the world.” And isn’t that exactly the sort of character development you need to not only get a functional relationship but keep it alive?

1. The funny-shaped park thing next to the Chambers 1-2-3 train station

It has an open sky. It has greenery. It is close to the school. So it is perfect!

1. Chinatown

And we all know the denizens of this prestigious establishment are, for lack of a better term, broke. So what you need is Chinatown’s cheap, cheap food and candy. One anonymous student described a time they got “a metric ton of guava candies and a ton of yuzu and mango soft candy for 10 bucks. I love buying straight from an import company.” Don’t we all love buying straight from an import company? With the tariffs coming China’s way, you might start to need it. 

That’s as much work as we’re going to spend on romantic advice for a romantically hopeless school. Go away now!