Bill de Blasio’s Snow Day List Checklist

Do the Subways Work?

Massive delays are acceptable. As long as trains are in the station, even if they are not moving at all, the subways are technically working.

Will I get fired if I don’t close schools and then keep my kids at home instead of risking their safety?

Who cares about approval ratings from students,? It’s not like they vote.

Will teachers go on strike if I don’t close?

If teachers go on strike, students would have even more days off. That's literally the opposite of my goals as a mayor. Also, I don't want to lose a entire workforce because it will cost a lot of money to replace them.

Will parents raid my twitter and roast me for not closing schools?

Yes, but just dab on the haters.

More than three feet of snow.

Even a millimeter less (you can figure out those conversions yourself), and I hope swim gym has prepared you for more solid forms of water. As long as you are physically able to move your body out of your house, you should be braving the elements in a desperate attempt to get to school. I don't care if you're snowed in; you can just wake up early and start shoveling, boi. It's not rocket science; my gardener does it all the time.)

Are there 100 mph winds and temperatures below 0 °F?

Back in the day, we had to ride the winds to school. Kids these days simply don’t understand the real struggle.

Will I have the chance to hear the cries of despair of millions of children on their way to school?

This is my favorite one personally. It’s more of a raver than “Hips Don’t Lie,” and I get to watch short-legged middle schoolers topple over precarious snow banks as my makeup artist gets me photoshoot ready. #modelstatus. For one blissful moment, I can forget about that time that I shut down schools and sent one million snow trucks out only for there to be approximately 0.0078 inches of snow the next day, making me look like an UTTER FOOL. Never again, New York City. Never again.

Was a petition, made in favor of a snow day, signed by over 100,000 people?

Who would win? 100,000 disgruntled New Yorkers, or one soulless, pandering politician?

Can I still hit up McDonald’s for that 20-piece chicken nuggets?

This will make or break the decision altogether. I make up my mind after consulting my appetite.

Does the Snow Day Calculator predict a snow day?

From almost all of human history, science and religion have been at war, but the Snow Day Calculator is God and technology combined into one unquestionable, infallible, and sacred machine. Once the website hits that 97+ percent not even I can do anything about it.