Choubs Vaskeralian Appointed Assistant Principal of Lunch Physical Ingestion (P.I.)

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Effective April 1, 2018, Coach Choubs Vaskeralian, affectionately dubbed “Choubs” or “Oh No He’s Coming!” by his pupils, will become the first Stuyvesant High School faculty member to earn the position of Assistant Principal of Physical Ingestion (known colloquially as “lunch”).

“No one in the history of this school has worked harder to keep our halls clear of students doing the bare minimum to stay alive,” Principal Eric Contreras said. “He is truly an inspiration to everyone incapable of staying in their gosh darned lane.”

This upgrade will come as no surprise to Stuyvesant students, approximately 405 percent of whom have fallen victim to Choubs’s keen nose at least once during their high school tenure. Some even hope that his administrative duties may keep him office-bound for extended periods of time, finally allowing them the freedom to scribble down test answers from friends on milk cartons and apples, along with other illicit activities that The Spectator is not at liberty to mention.

“I’m tired of having to frantically shove my lunch somewhere inconspicuous every time I see a flash of red in my periphery,” said junior Kelly Farginkle. “All of my bras smell like fries now.”

Mr. Vaskeralian’s rollerblading students have allegedly observed a subtle change in the styling of his goatee—likely a celebration of his promotion. However, Mr. Vaskeralian declined to comment on the hairy black “A” and “P” on his left and right cheeks, respectively.

Students interested in speaking to Choubs are asked to frisbee-toss a lunch tray into the first floor lobby, which will return to them like a boomerang with a room number, office hours, and a recommended vegetarian menu etched on the back.