Dear Incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2024… THE SPECTATOR HAS ADVICE!

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Please wash your PE clothes more than once a month. You may think nobody can tell, but you think incorrectly.

Please avoid running over our toes with your rolling backpacks. Our toes are precious to us.

Join the Spectator. Done.

You are here to embark on a new journey in your life. You will probably be stressed. You might get lower grades. You might get very little sleep and feel like collapsing during class. That said, never take mental health days. Breaks are for wimps. Suck it up, bruh.

The best way to deal with a packed escalator is to jump really hard on the metal platforms at the top and bottom of said escalator.

Don’t try to put a waffle maker in your locker. You will start a fire. Trust me.

Be taller, ya dorks.

The “senior bar” is just a name. Feel free to rub your freshman body all over the second-floor atrium.

You are totally free to use the printing stations not just for printing but also for writing your entire English paper that happens to be due next period. It won’t piss anyone off. Honestly.

Your lockers are on the upper floors, and they kinda suck. Go ahead and buy a locker from an upperclassman. Don’t worry! This totally isn’t illegal business.

To navigate through a cramped stairwell, just put your head down and run straight down the middle. If you want to feel extra cool, pull your arms back into a “Naruto run.” Even cooler.

On the rare occasion that you find an empty escalator, feel free to use it as you wish. There totally won’t be anyone behind you who happens to be in a rush, anyway. Just stand in the middle, enjoy life, and maybe take a nap on the way up.

You see a dean? Run.

You see the trash cans scattered throughout the school? Yeah, forget about them. Pretend they don’t exist. Go ahead and wade through your filth.

The half-floor is your designated area. No upperclassmen shall disturb you there… not because the half-floor is full of trash and obnoxious freshmen, but because we love you!

Yes, it is possible to have a ramen maker in your locker. I’ve seen it before. Have fun, kids!

Whole Foods gives you free lunch! You don’t even have to ask!