Diary Entries of a cOwOnaviwus Victim

Reading Time: 5 minutes

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By Susannah Ahn

The following are several excerpts from a diary entry from a cOWOnaviwus victim. The material is extremely dirty, so make sure to wash not just your hands but also your eyeballs after reading. You may want to wash your brain as well.

Viewer discretion is advised.

Day 1

Dear Diary,

Today was a terribly unfortunate day. I was late for my first-period AP Euro class because the stupid subway turnstile wouldn’t read my metro card. I swiped it like a bajillion times and decided to jump the turnstile instead. Security saw me, and I wasn’t gonna wait around to find out what was gonna happen to me. I yeeted myself out and decided to lay it low at Zucker’s Bagels for like ten minutes to be safe. Also, I got my chemistry test on titrations back, and I got a 14 as expected… a pretty “basic” grade, I must say. OH, I ALMOST FORGOT; the most disgusting thing happened today. I was walking to the bathroom to do my daily sixth-period ritual when the bathroom door abruptly flung open as I was about to open it, and a lowly, repulsive FRESHMAN burst out and SNEEZED in my face. Oh, the horror. I felt the droplets of freshman saliva enter through my orifices as I unwillingly inhaled out of shock. He replied with a high-pitched “Oops, sowwy fow sneezing on you uwu,” before rushing off into the stairwell. It’s a good thing I’ve got a strong immune system hardened by all the neglect my body has faced because who knows what type of germs these freshmen might carry. I shudder just thinking about it.



Day 4

Dear Diary,

Ugh, I had even less motivation to go to school than usual. I woke up, and my throat was dying. But it’s only a small thing, and I’m sure the sheer amount of cough drops I will consume today will fight off whatever I have. So, I forced myself to trek over to that filthy subway station. I saw a huge rat today, though. It was kinda cute :3. Oh! During math today, I actually waised my hand and participated! The teacher asked me some question (haha, I wasn’t even paying attention), and I replied, “We need to stage a coup d'état against de Blasio or else we won’t get anywhere.” She gave me a really confused face, but heck, gotta get those participation points up! That was my main achievement. I hope you’re pwoud of me, diary.

I saw that freshman again today. I really don’t know what’s up with him, that absolutely repulsive entity. His mouth was literally shaped in a “W,” and his eyes were closed. He kept making this “oowoo” sound as he coughed everywhere. Everyone near him was running away from him. This school is so weird. Why didn’t I drop out once I got that -7 on my drafting plate last semester (apparently my lines were of such poor quality that it was an insult to the course)?! Why am I here? What is life?



Day 6

Dear Diawy,

I started coughing today. I was cwoffing so much that I might as well have drowned in the 3.5-foot pool and been revived by Mr. Mowan. I don’t think this situation would be favorable—the drowning part, I mean, not the Mr. Moran part >///<. Maybe I should have failed swim gym so I could get that one chance in a wifetime…

Something very strange happened today. My favorite school snack, those AMAZING wanch powder carrots, were given out. As I finally ripped the bag so that decadent white and green spweckled powder fell onto my cawwots after an immense amount of effort, my mouth curled into a W-shaped smile. I didn’t even know this was hwumanely pawssible. Maybe this can be my new Gwenes in Space pwoject, heheh. I didn’t put much thought into it, though. Them cawwots were delicious.



Day 12

Dear Diawy,

For some stwange weason, I’ve been having an iwwesistable urge recently to talk “wike wis.” I’m weally not suwe why, but it’s just such a stwange feeling, like euphowic tingles up and down my spine. I dunno what dwugs feel like, but this is pwobably what dwugs feel wike. My friends say that I look weally pale wecently, like more zombie-like than usual. They also said I used a wot more head tilts and pouwty expwessions. My coughs have also stawted sounding weally strange, almost as if I were saying “owo” and “uwu.” I have a bad feeling that something tewwible is happening to me. What is this metamwophosis? Hmm…



Day 17

deawest diawy,

HEWWOOOO UwU!!! <33 I weawwy weawwy wanted sum toawst, sooo i wawked out of my woom uwu. It was dewiciousss.

When i wawked up to my fwiends wocker for a fwiendly cwuddle tuwudway, he wan awey fwom me! can you bewieve how wude that was?! Grrrr, i was soooo mad that i chwased him dawn and snweezed on him! Aftwer snweezing on hwim, he stawted cwoffing and tehn he cowwapsed to the gwound and he had a gwazed look on his fwace. When he sat bwack up, he no wonger wan away and stawted tawking wike dis too. UWU, maybe i can show ALL of my fwends how tuwu bwee like dis uwu.



Day 20

Deawest uwu diawy,

WAIT NO, I MUSTN’T TAWK WIKE THIS. What’s happening tuwu mwee?? I have devewoped an uwge to cwuddle with everyone I see. I am twrying SO SO HAWD to spweak cohewentlwy. My friends, my family, and the stwangers on the swubway uwu. My mind is clouded with these incohewent thoughts and… AND the VOICES in my HEAD; I can’t WESIST THEM. I’m weawwy don’t think I’m stable. As of writing this entwy—ENTRY, GAH—I’ve bawwicaded myself in my woom. I don’t know whats happening but i’m scawed. I suspect it was that stoopid fweshman. I—i don’t think I’m going to uwu make it… pwease, FIND patient ZEWO. I DON’T THWINK I CAN TAKE DIS ANYMOWE. Mom, dad if you’we weading this, know that I wuv yoUwU



Day 26

Owo DEawweESt diAWY uwu,

UwU UwU UwU UwU UwU OwO? UwU uwu Uwu oWO UwU owU UwO uwO hEwwwoo >///< duwuwu youwu wANana UwU UwU wawawawa ~~ UwU UwU cwuddow??wow UwU wU oWO oWU UwO. uwU owO I wuvvvv UwU yoUWU owO >w< seNpWaaaii Owo uwu uwO. UwU! UwU UwU uwuwuwuuwuw owoowowowo

UwU UwU uwU UwO Uwu UwU

Uwo UwU OW>///<u OWO

>///<UwU UwU

LE OWOWOWOW uwwuuwu~~~~~

T >///<



Kyaaaa~~~~ >///< UT

>///< HEWP M

!!>///< EEE

UowoUwU UwU UwU UwU UwU UwowoowowowoU I M IMIowo MI MI >w< MIMowoowowowow>///<U U<wowoSOOOOSOOOwoU UwU UwU UwUow?? oo>///<wowowoUwU UwU U>///<wU UwU UwU UwU? UwU Uw>///<U UwU HUNRGWYYWYWYUwU owoowowo uWu


ET uuwuwuwuw OWOWOOWO


Uw o uw u ow uow uou wu wuo E wuowu oouwuowuwu


wU UwU UwU UwU! UwU OwO? UwU uwu Uwu oWO UwU owU UwO uwO hEwwwoo >///< duwuwu youwu wANTTana Uw FUWU!!!WUWUWWUDD

U UwU UwU UwU wawawawa ~~~ kyaa SWENNNN OWO PWAI

aa~~~~ UwU UwU cwud?dowowow UwU UwU UwU UwU UwU uwu UwU oWO oWU UWUU !! UWU OWo nIBBOuwuw woowowo UWu.