Do Your Duolingo Or Suffer The Consequences

In the past two weeks, 113 students have been murdered on the fifth floor. According to several witnesses, the murderer is none other than the green owl who haunts our phones: Duolingo. 

So far, Duolingo seems to be targeting Stuyvesant students who have a habit of forgetting to do their lessons. His victims were all found dead, lying next to various messages written in blood such as “Spanish or Vanish” and “French or the Trench.”

It’s still unclear why the fifth floor has become Duolingo’s primary hunting ground. Some speculate that it’s due to the numerous language textbooks available in the classrooms and storage closets, while others think it’s because of the high concentration of procrastinators who always forget to do their lessons until the very last moment.

“I’ve heard Duolingo makes you conjugate all of the irregular preterite verbs,” a petrified sophomore recounted. “If you get one wrong, he slowly kills you by burying you in a pile of textbooks.”

Duolingo has been spotted numerous times right outside the cafeteria waiting for students during their lunch period so he can enact his revenge. He’s also been seen following students down the halls with a tiny remote control that sends aggressive pings to nearby phones, reminding them to extend their streak. 

“I was walking to Spanish class yesterday, and I suddenly felt something start shaking in my pocket,” a terrified freshman told me. “I thought I finally found my pet hamster or something with the way my pocket was moving! As soon as I saw that it was a Duolingo notification on my phone, I immediately started doing it. I really don’t want Duolingo to murder me—I’m already a failure enough; I don’t need to die like one too!”

Stuyvesant teachers have mixed opinions on whether Duolingo is a gift for getting rid of the students lowering the class GPA, or a curse for getting rid of all of the students they used to bully. 

“It’s been so hard now,” Ms. Loa Verage told me. “I haven’t been able to de-stress by making fun of my worst students. If I want to keep my mental health somewhat okay, I either need to find a therapist or a new student to bully, and I obviously can’t afford a therapist with this salary.” 

“I forgive Duolingo, though,” she continued. “Because thanks to him, my class average is finally rising! I’ll be able to make my hardest and most evil tests yet with the excuse that the class averages are too high.”

Many students are expressing concern about these new circumstances. A freshman who was friends with one of the victims said, “It’s really scary. I always end up almost forgetting to do my Duolingo because I fall asleep as soon as I get home and don’t wake up until about 3:00 a.m. What if I’m next?”

In response to this outbreak of murders, a new club providing bodyguards to protect students from becoming Duolingo’s next victim has been created at Stuyvesant. The club leaders have stated that all bodyguards are trained in basic bird fighting skills and can ward off the owl to allow you to complete your lessons.

According to some of the bodyguards, the training sessions required to acquire their roles were very intense. “I had to chase after pigeons in the street for hours,” one junior stated. “Ever since the training, I swear the pigeons have been targeting me. The other day, I got attacked by 10 of them! They stole all of my food and destroyed my homework with their dirty feathers and droppings. I’ve started taking the subway instead of walking home now because I’m afraid they’ll follow me and attack me in my sleep.”

  Another new club has students who complete your Duolingo for you if you forget. Ever since this was implemented three days ago, the murder rate has gone down by 19 percent. However, as more and more students sign up for this program, the students volunteering are running out of time to do their own Duolingo lessons. 

“The system isn’t flawless,” the head of student volunteers said. “We’ve had several volunteers become victims after failing to complete their Duolingo on time. I remember the first volunteer turned victim. I was just about to cry myself to sleep over AP Physics when I started being spammed with hundreds of notifications. When I finally dragged myself away from my pillow, I saw tons of messages from our newest volunteer. She was panicking because it was 12:00:01 a.m. and she hadn’t finished her own lesson. After thousands of unhinged messages she went silent, and I went to sleep thinking she had finally passed out from the stress. The next morning, we found her lying on the floor, hugging a Duolingo plushie in front of the 5-7 escalators. Since then, I always make sure I do my Duolingo before everyone else’s.”

That’s all the information we have for now, but please try to stay as far away from the fifth floor as possible—don’t forget to do your Duolingo!