Five New Courses For The Next Academic Year

A fake programming guide.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

AP English Literature & Composition: Great Books

As the name suggests, we will be reading as well as writing great books! Students must be willing to experiment with writing assignments that relate to their own lives and contribute to the daily discussions about America’s lack of respect for the common man. The book list will include:

“Trump: The Art of the Deal,” Donald J. Trump
“Fifty Shades of Grey,” E. L. James
“Twilight,” Stephenie Meyer
“The Communist Manifesto,” Friedrich Engels and Karl Marx
“Physics: Second Edition,” James S. Walker
“Green Eggs and Ham,” Dr. Seuss

While students are encouraged to take the AP exam at the end of the year, the final project will be to write a story and publish it. Failure to do so will result in an automatic zero for the class, and the class must be repeated during senior year. (But that’s okay because having to deal with failures in life is a great starting point for a great book!)

“Anime Japanese” I

Students in the course must have a deep desire to connect with their inner otaku. The class is intended for those who would like to continue to learn exactly what their favorite anime character says, and only those phrases. Auditory and oral presentation skills will be developed and prepared so that students may attend Comic Con 2017 as a cosplayer and become a voice actor for future anime.

Anime that students will be required to watch (in full, subbed):

* Sword Art Online
Tokyo Ghoul and * Tokyo Ghoul √A
Attack on Titan
Naruto and Naruto Shippuden
Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Boku No Pico
* This indicates that class debates will involve the discussion and evaluation of the anime

Physics Lab Techniques

This course focuses on students performing labs, which include creating your own miniature black hole, learning to slide across the floor with socks, and reversing the electromagnetic field that encapsulates Earth. Highlights include counting how many cuts, burns, and near death experiences students experience in each lab.

Students will also focus on the academic component, and their final project will include a 60-page paper about whether Newton deserves recognition for his second law since he wasn’t the one who originally came up with it.

There is a small cost for replacement materials (e.g.: socks, lightning rods). This course is one of two prerequisites for AP Physics C, and students must have already taken Physics with a 100 percent average.

AP Health

In this course, students will be expected to learn how to appropriately handle the mind-numbing stress of success. The class will mainly focus on coping mechanisms, including the consistent creation of ironic memes, and how pineapple pizza is not as demonic as it sounds.

This course is intended to supply self-therapy methods, teach students how to effectively microsleep, and combat the societal ideal of the Hardworking and Exhausted Stuy Student™. Students will be ready to take on college life and have a healthy living style through ramen noodles and coffee.

Prerequisites include health and being a vegan.

AP Computer Science Z

In this class, we will be covering important topics needed to code for those living in the 1940s. We will be spending two weeks watching the life-sized computer perform the incredible feat of summing two non-float prime numbers in the complex number system, namely two plus one, before going into how to remove bugs from any form of hardware. Languages required for the final exam include:

Ç, along with its derivative languages Ç-- (which is coincidentally the grade you will get in this class) and Ç♭
That language you need to build a website
That language you need to build a laptop
That language you need to build a hovercraft which you will be using in 30 years

Students taking the course are also required to prove P vs. NP by the end of the school year and donate all money received from its discovery to the Confiscating Phones Administration run by Assistant Principal Brian Moran.