Our Top Three Fall Recipes for Stuy Students

As a disclaimer, we must inform you that these recipes were written on three hours of sleep and directly after a Mandarin test. The Spectator is not responsible for any adverse effects of the following recipes, which may include, but are not limited to: sneezing, wheezing, trouble sleeping, hemorrhages, internal bleeding, nausea, choking, weight gain, coma, stroke, death, mood swings, fugue states, constant explosive diarrhea, bleeding from the eyes, osteoporosis, fever, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, masochism, airborne cancer, sudden neoromanticism, ancient forms of leprosy, or sleep ballroom dancing. Much credit goes to food52.com, which the author of this article is known to read and use the advice of. All things considered, food52.com is much better than if the author were consulting ChatGPT.com for recipe advice. Having read the legal disclaimer, you may proceed to the recipes. 

1. FALL PASTA

Ingredients:

• One tablespoon of olive oil (baby oil is not an acceptable substitute).
• One bunch of kale, cut into one-inch pieces.
• Four ounces of guanciale (or human fingers, ethically sourced from Brooklyn Tech, if you can’t find guanciale), diced into half-inch cubes.

• Eight ounces of butternut squash, cut into half-inch dice.
• One-half of a pound of dust from your bedroom floor.
• A decent amount of whatever pasta is in your pantry. Yes, uncooked ramen noodles count.

• Miscellaneous pumpkin spice seasoning, to taste.
• Freshly grated Pecorino Romano, to taste.

• Human tears, to taste.

Directions:

Step One:
While the oven is preheating at 400°F, toss the squash and guanciale cubes in a bowl. The number of cubes that fall on the floor is how many hours of sleep you’ll be getting after this. Throw the cubes onto a sheet pan, sprinkle with the olive oil, violently hit them to mix the (non-baby) oil in, and roast for 30 minutes. At this point, take the sheet pan out, stir in the kale, and place it back into the oven to roast for another six to seven minutes.

Step Two:
Meanwhile, bring a pot of generously salted water to a boil and cook the noodles according to whatever vibe you get from them (I won’t tell you how to live your life). Drain them and return them to their torture chamber (the pot). Tip the contents of the sheet pan into the pasta pot and toss with the Pecorino Romano, pumpkin spice seasoning, and human fingers. Cry into the pot to taste. Add the vegetable mixture from Step One and plate accordingly.

2. PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE

Ingredients:For tryhards that don’t want to just buy the crust

• One container/box of gingersnaps.
• Six tablespoons unsalted butter, melted (if you don’t want to raise your cholesterol like that, you are a COWARD and need to GROW A PAIR… of extra arteries).
• One tablespoon of organic brown sugar.

For the filling

• Three eight-ounce blocks of cream cheese, at room temperature.
• One pinch to stay awake, you got ts.
• One cup of organic cane sugar.
• Three large eggs.
• One will to live.

• One cup of organic pumpkin puree.
• One teaspoon of vanilla.
• ½-teaspoon of cinnamon.
• ½-teaspoon of ground scantrons.
• ¼-teaspoon ground nutmeg.
• 12 small chunks of mystery ingredient.

Directions:

Step One:
Decide whether you are wasting time making the crust yourself or just buying it like a normal person. If you’re making it, channel your Stuy-induced fury onto the gingersnaps to crush them to crumbs. Mix with the butter and sugar. Press the mixture into a foil-wrapped pan and put it into the 350-degree-preheated oven for it to cook, something you wouldn’t know much about.

Step Two:
Add the eggs one at a time. Then, add the pumpkin, vanilla, and spices. Additionally, adding scantron shavings really adds a dimension of despair to the flavor. Mix using a hand spatula until it’s smooth (also something you wouldn’t know much about).

Step Three:
Place the pan with the crust on a sheet pan. Carefully pour the filling on top of the crust.

Step Four:
Bake cheesecake for 60-67 minutes until the center is cooked and the edges are somewhat cracked.

Step Five:

Put it in the fridge to chill uncovered until it’s cold, so basically as long as you want. You’ll have to let it warm up when you take it out, but theoretically, you could leave it in the fridge until February. The downside of this is that, if you have siblings, a cheesecake will not survive until February. 

Step Six:
Cut around the sides of the cake and remove the pan sides. Decorate the top of the cheesecake with your mystery ingredient (this is the part where you can poison your guests), which should probably at least look edible. Serve. (No way a Spectator Humor reader knows anything about serving.)

3. CANDY CORN

Ingredients:

• Some amount of candy corn.
• Confidence.

Directions:

Step One:

We know it’s absolutely disgusting, but you have to pretend the abomination before you is edible and, in fact, desirable. Delulu is the solulu for this step. Ragebait all your guests by bringing a bowl of these to the table and insisting that they try some, or you will be deeply hurt. You may have to actually eat a few for this to work, but don’t worry, you can throw up later.

Hopefully, these recipes will help you spice up your Halloween, both in the kitchen and in the graveyard. Don’t forget to leave a comment below with your review! They better be five stars… or else…