“Please Unblock Me”

Cringe-worthy confessions from a stubborn admirer.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

With nothing else to do during the school closure because of the coronavirus, an anonymous member of the StuyHacks organization was able to hack into and discover all the unpublished Google forms for Stuyvesant Confessions, a popular page on Facebook. With nothing else to do either, The Spectator decided to comb through all the unpublished confessions to find the most intriguing ones, but quite frankly, there weren't that many to choose from. From the 100th confession about SING! to League-addicted juniors asking why they can't get a girlfriend, most of these stay unpublished for good reason.

However, through the hacked Google forms, The Spectator was able to obtain and compile a list of many confessions from a single Google account (unnamed in order to protect their privacy) whose owner was desperately trying to communicate with their ex, who I can only assume blocked them on every possible social media platform after being sick and tired of getting these messages personally. Though I'm sure this person's former significant other did not enjoy reading these extremely cringeworthy attempts at getting their attention, the Humor department thought its readers would, so we have compiled said messages for your enjoyment.

(All these messages were submitted in chronological order)

Isn't it crazy how they're saying that AP Physics is getting removed? Haha, but, the only science I still care about is the chemistry we shared… it’s pretty sad how much energy I put into this relationship, but it still didn’t work out… I also wish you would stop failing physics so you’ll get that joke, lol. I hope you’re doing well.

All I’m hearing about rn is how this senior just punched a glass case and a freshman the other day, but all I can think about is how I punched a hole in my wall after you blocked me on everything… I really must have been tripping as hard as that senior to let you go. Stay safe. And also, please unblock me at least on Venmo, haha.

Wild how the three to five escalator is finally working again, but our love is still broken… I can’t stand how you keep taking steps to get away from me… Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and don’t throw out the flowers I sent to your homeroom <3.

Haha, you know, every time I go on Facebook, all I see is people complaining about freshmen leaving garbage on the half-floor, but all I can think about is how you threw away my love and left me on the ground lmao… It’s crazy how the janitors are now gonna have to get rid of all this garbage, but I still can’t get you to take me out. Anyway, I hope you’re doing better than I am cuz I just been feeling like trash ever since you left me. Fr tho, I wish you the best. Lmk if you're ever in Queens.

Wild how every day this week, all I hear is the announcements for the Women’s Day Run, but the only thing I can think about is how you ran from me… It’s crazy how I’m going to run the Mary Cain mile, but I cain’t get you back haha… Anyway, I hope I can see you there. I really need this extra credit; otherwise, I’m going to fail health.

They're saying tests just got canceled for the next two weeks cause of the virus… but I’ve just been sick thinking about you. I really couldn’t care less cuz the only tests I’m worried about are the ones our love failed… Stay safe; you can still hmu if u need some hand sanitizer, haha.

Unfortunately, for whoever wrote all of these, I can only imagine that this whole “social distancing” thing will only spur on more feelings of loneliness and eventually even more of these atrocious attempts at reconnecting. Hopefully, Stuyvesant Confessions does everyone a favor by continuing to not post any of these and the recipient does themselves a favor by continuing to ignore them.