Real Events of the 2010s

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The 2010s was a tumultuous time full of highs and lows. In this timeline, the Humor department reprises some of the most memorable—and most real—events of the last decade. Let us reminisce on what a glorious decade we have been part of!

“Senioritis Epidemic Detected” —Sam Furnival, April 2010

This article dates from when Humor originated. At the time the section was called “Slander and Libel.” Eventually, the department was renamed. The novel senioritis epidemic just ended up being a minor case of smallpox.

“You Kids Can Really Do Better” —credited to, but not written by, Kerry Garfinkel, October 2010

This is one of the first actual Humor articles ever written. It is most notable for the controversy created when it was first published: a sophomore read it, realized he could do better, and died on the spot.

“Newly Implemented Honor Code System Improves Student Performance” —Benjamin Koatz, June 2011

The honor code system of regulating academic dishonesty is unveiled in Stuyvesant. Since then, it has been a grand success, with absolutely no cheating whatsoever in Stuyvesant High School. None. Never—especially during the 2012 English Regents. No cheating. Nope.

“New Dress Code Leads to Sharp Decline In Student Performance” —Muki Barkan, September 2011

A new dress code banning revealing outfits led to a decrease in student performance academically, physically, and socially. On an unrelated note, many students and teachers that year reported a new fetish involving scandalous ankles and uncovered hands in a Spectator survey.

“Computer Science Department Creates New Computer Science Department” —Robert Melamed, February 2012

The computer science department at Stuyvesant created multiple clones of themselves in order to make teaching classes easier and more efficient. This didn’t go as planned. A week after this article was published, Stuyvesant had to be closed down for two weeks by the Department of Housing (of course ;)) in order to exterminate the rabid clones wreaking havoc in the school. We’re pretty sure that the current computer science teachers are the originals.

“Study Shows All Stuyvesant Students Cheat” —Robert Melamed and Edward Zilberbrand, October 2012

A study funded by the DOE gave indications that every person who goes to Stuyvesant engages in academic dishonesty. However, the study came under fire a few months later after a group of independent researchers found that Stuyvesant students, as a whole, were too stupid to figure out how to use a staircase, much less conduct organized cheating.

“Humor Department: Despicable” —Jeremy Karson, April 2013

This article was written in response to the first Disrespectator, Humor’s yearly coup of the newspaper. This article is most notable as yellow journalism, sparking public outcry and an invasion of Stuyvesant by the City of New York to overthrow the oppressive Humor regime.

We’re still here though. God won’t let us die. We are a modern-day Cain, forced to walk the earth and be funny every once in a while.

“United States Government Shuts Down” —Jeremy Karson, October 2013

The United States government shut down temporarily in 2013, putting America in the very humiliating and debilitating situation of having to start a GoFundMe. After publication, the government reopened a while later after the people in charge realized, “Wait. We could just stop doing this whenever we want. We’re the government. Why didn’t we think of this before?”

“Urinal Thief Caught” —Jacob-Faber Rico, April 2014

A bunch of urinals went missing, and with the help of social studies teacher Michael Waxman and his eighth-period class, they were able to sniff out one of the stolen urinals hidden in a locker. The owner of the locker was revealed to be senior Tom Marvolo Chen, who was planning to donate them to the Museum of Modern Art as well as save one for personal use. We aren’t sure what sort of artistic contribution urinals can make, but with the urinal thief being caught, Stuyvesant’s bathrooms have once again returned to their peaceful state, and all of us are thankful for that.

“Freshman Trapped on Left Side of the Hallway” —Randolph Higgins, October 2014

Woah! Humor is in front of A&E! And a freshman got stuck on the fourth floor! An unidentified freshman decided to take a seat on the left side of the hallway after mistaking the fourth floor for the second. The freshman was then blocked by the student traffic for two periods straight, the longest since the Freshman Crushing Fiasco of 2011. The administration has taken steps to prevent such tragic accidents, like shutting down all the escalators to ease student flow across floors, putting staff in hallways to confiscate phones and deter loiterers, and “politely” reminding students to go to the first or second floors. Seems like these reforms still exist, huh. Well, now we know where they came from. :/

“Study Shows Sophomores Just Like to Complain About Things” —Laszlo Sandler, February 2015

And we are back to being behind A&E. The class of 2017 was found to complain the most after a study was conducted by the Student Union (SU) and Principal Jie Zhang. The Algebra II final was moved twice to see how students would react, and it was found that the only unhappy ones were sophomores; therefore, they are the whiniest. According to the Assistant Principal of Mathematics (Mr. Math Whiz, as we like to call him), they would have failed anyway regardless of the date, so the administration did not see the problem. Well, I think we all know this to be true.

“Humor Writer Out of Ideas” —Laszlo Sandler, October 2015

Pretty self-explanatory. We still don’t have any ideas, by the way, if you were wondering.

“Senior Makes Desperate Last Attempt at Front Page Article” —Jacob Faber-Rico, April 2016

Senior and Humor writer Jacob Faber-Rico attempts to use his final Disrespectator to attempt to have an article on the front page. Even though Editor-in-Chief Sonia Epstein and faculty advisor Kerry Garfinkel agreed that this article was truly a momentous artifact that should be saved until the end of time, it ended up on the second page. Thanks, Layout.

“Student Finishes Homework by 9:00 p.m.” —Marie Ivantechemko and Alexandra Wen, November 2016

Extremely productive junior Stephanie Li finished all her homework at 9:00 p.m. Stuck in a cycle of paranoia, she called the U.S. Naval Observatory to make sure her clock was correct and the police to prevent her from falling asleep early. Even guidance counselors were perplexed by a Stuyvesant student finishing so early. Li used her time to study for her APs months in advance and even took a five-minute nap, only to remember she had a take-home DBQ due first period. Her truly infamous act of determination and perseverance is something we can only hope to achieve.

“Humor Department to be Renamed Alternative News” —Tiffany Chen, February 2017

Following years of mistreatment from the News department, the Humor department has renamed itself Alternative News, with former Humor editors Kerwin Chen, Shaina Peters, and Michael Xu named Alternative News Editors. Despite protests from the News Department, the Alternative News Department strives to return valid, factual justice to the paper, calling News “butthurt losers.” Is this true? I dunno. It’s definitely not fake news though.

“Communist Revolution Inspires Hostile Takeover of Stuyvesant” —Victor Kuang and Tony Moh

Sophomore Steve Wang, after reading and falling in love with Marx’s “The Communist Manifesto,” staged a coup d’état. Students rallied behind him and overthrew the “oppressive” teachers. However, with this sudden lack of authority, rifts between the students grew, creating several factions. Wang won the struggle between the factions but was forcibly taken from power by his parents. Teachers’ authority was restored, and “The Communist Manifesto” was removed from the curriculum and replaced with boring documentaries about communism. In our opinion, maybe the coup would’ve worked if they put up more barriers. Come on people, some of you guys take AP European History! We should know how to revolt!

“Gee Whiz Diner Bans Stuyvesant Students” —Michael Dekhtyar, June 2018

After years of dealing with show tunes into the wee hours of the morning, the iconic Gee Whiz Diner on Greenwich Street permanently banned all Stuyvesant students from entering the premises. In response, stricken theater kids embarked on a desperate search for an alternative post-show food spot in the area, and The Spectator received several (unconfirmed) reports of Lights & Sound members being cannibalized by ravenous members of the cast.

“Wrestling is Not Gay” —Alwin Peng, October 2018

Pretty self-explanatory, but we thought we should let you know.

“Bill de Blasio Wants to be President. He Won’t be, Unless he Tweets About Lentils.” —Lentil Enthusiast, September 2019

In this editorial, guest writer Lentil Enthusiast identified the key flaw in Mayor Bill de Blasio’s presidential campaign—his total lack of, well, lentil enthusiasm. The article proved prophetic, as it was indeed this critical oversight which would lead to the rapid destruction of Big Bill’s presidential aspirations, along with the fact that he just plain sucks.

“Unsuspecting Senior Haunted by Endless Supps” —Angélique Charles-Davis, October 2019

Some fear ghosts, but senior Susie Lee spent Halloween tormented by her 345 supplemental essays and the looming November 1 early decision deadline. Lee found herself unable to shake the persistent supplements which had possessed her and was only able to rid herself of them via an exorcism in the form of submitting her Common Application.

“Stuyvesant No Longer Legally Considered A School” —Chrisabella Javier, November 2019

After failing a surprise Department of Education inspection, Stuyvesant’s status as a school was revoked, and Principal Contreras rebranded it as “Stuyvesant High Schoole,” renaming its denizens as “studentes.” The change was purely a cosmetic one, though—according to Contreras and a spokesperson for the DOE, Stuyvesant would stay exactly the same under its new moniker.