Reasons Why Gen Alpha Shouldn’t Be Let into Stuyvesant

As a freshman, I can confirm that my first year at Stuyvesant has been absolutely miserable. 

I got jumped a myriad of times just for not following escalator etiquette (what the heck even is that? What even is the point of standing on the right instead of the left?!), my lunch money was stolen from a senior who insisted that they needed it to apply to every single Ivy, and I was beaten up again for standing in the middle of the hallway to talk to my friends! Every freshman I talk to says they’ve suffered the same consequences just for being born in 2010—which is most definitely a Gen Z year. 

Thus, I argue that we should direct this hate onto the next generation: Gen Alpha. 

You know exactly who I’m talking about: your little sibling who spends all their time at home watching Skibidi Toilet or scrolling through YouTube Shorts with their crummy little, Hot-Cheeto-dust-covered fingers. The same generation as that one crusty kid who called me a “stupid pants” at a Red Cross event I was volunteering at. The same generation of tiny gremlins who can’t survive more than two seconds without their iPads. 

There are a multitude of reasons why they should be detested and not let into Stuyvesant.

They are extremely feral.

Gen Alpha is famous for ridiculous temper tantrums in public, or just being flat-out rude. Many people have seen the “TOP 10 SPOILED KID TANTRUMS CAUGHT ON CAMERA!!!” videos, which serve as concrete evidence of this epidemic of disrespect. I still recall the complete and utter horror that filled me when I once saw one of these rascals get on the nasty NYC sidewalk floor to kick and scream for a toy; her mother tried to get her to stand like a normal human being, but, for whatever reason, the little gremlin refused to. These varmints would certainly benefit from a few minutes (or days…or weeks…) in the time-out corner, but their millennial parents would disagree. This is possibly because the millennials feel guilty for raising their children in sad homes where literally everything is either gray, beige, or sage green. If these millennials don’t discipline their little terrors, then the next generation is going to be full of snobs! Back in my day, this type of tomfoolery would NEVER have happened! These mini monstrosities are going to end up being disrespectful and snarky when they grow older! Huh…sounds awfully familiar…

Brainrot.

You may recognize the following terms: skibidi, fanum tax, rizz, aura, mewing, Baby Gronk, Kai Cenat, Ohio, and sigma. This is only some of the cringy, confusing vernacular used by Gen Alpha. It’s worth noting that context is very important in determining whether or not a word is brainrot, as sigma is a math symbol and mewing could just be the sound cats make. Now, you may use these terms ironically for “haha funny” moments with your friends, but some of these fiends are Dead. Serious. For instance, if I were to jokingly call my friend “skibidi” to annoy them, that would be fine. What’s NOT fine is when you use this word 24/7 as an adjective for everything. I find myself on the verge of a mental breakdown every time I hear my eight year old sister describe things as “skibidi” or “Ohio.” LAST I CHECKED, OHIO WAS A STATE, NOT AN ADJECTIVE. In fact, it has become so serious that some beleaguered school teachers have banned these words! These terms are on the same level as literal CURSE WORDS! I don’t even understand what these words mean. But wait a minute—what if that means there are deeper underlying messages to these terms? What if these words are just too advanced for us to comprehend? What if these little Gen Alpha kids are actually smarter than all of us Stuy students combined?! Maybe I should move on before I lose my last sliver of sanity left.

Short attention spans.

Not only do these little imps use vocabulary that we cannot seem to decipher without Google’s assistance, but they also can’t seem to pay attention to ANYTHING! After all, they spend way too much time scrolling on YouTube Shorts, TikTok, or whatever other social media platform exists. Thanks to those darn phones, the collective IQ of children is dropping at a speed faster than that of light. The average child now has the reading level of a Pre-K student and needs a calculator to complete basic arithmetic. They’re probably going to end up procrastinating on all of their school assignments because of their incompetence! Wait a minute…

Okay, so I may or may not have just proved the opposite of my point. For one, Gen Alpha’s rabid and disrespectful nature is going to make them just as competitive and sarcastic as Stuy students. Their future superiority complexes mirror how we think we’re better than all the other specialized high schools (which we are, no duh). Gen Alpha’s lexicon is also a matter to behold. We probably don’t understand it because we lack the intellect to even begin deciphering the language of these children. On the other hand, their short attention spans may lead to procrastination, which happens to be a quality of every average Stuy student. Gen Alpha may not seem like the right fit for Stuy, but after a detailed investigation, one can conclude that they actually are.