Ridiculous Ways to Solve Real Problems

Have you ever wondered why a real-world problem hasn’t already been solved by a solution much better than the one they’re trying right now? Of course you have. You’ve come to the right place, then. Here, we will solve the world’s problems in an instant.

1. Rising Ocean Levels

The easiest way to solve rising sea levels is to give the seas more space to rise. So what better way to do that than completely laser-beam Britain off the face of the Earth? With 80,823 square miles of land, we will decrease sea levels by a whopping 8.3 millimeters if we put that land under 50 feet of water. This would push back climate change for at least a few years! And nobody needs Britain anyway. Speaking of which, would anyone miss France if it also disappeared…?

1. Kids Eating Too Much Candy

It’s that time of year again: the time when kids completely disregard caloric intake advice and stuff themselves with free chocolate from strangers. I’m sure some parents will be worried about their kids’ health. So I’ve devised a genius solution: lacing all Halloween candies with insulin. In addition to preventing weight gain, it will skyrocket candy prices, meaning only rich people can afford it. A win-win!

1. Politics

Aren’t politicians great? They get along so well and accomplish so much—wait, they don’t? How are we going to fix that? Well, science has taught us that brain surgery doesn’t kill people, so… every time a person is elected to office, we can just rewire their brain to be a collaborative and just individual fighting for the good of the people. And once they’re voted out, we can reverse the rewiring so they can once again become the not-so-collaborative, not-so-just individual fighting for the not-quite-good of the people that they were previously. Clearly, this is very constitutional. 

1. Kids Trick-Or-Treating

Wouldn’t it be sooooo annoying if you were just trying to sleep and a kid knocks on your door to ask for free candy? Yes, it would be. So, in order to stop this, set up a test for the children: get only 100s in all your classes at Stuyvesant High School in a highly advanced, hyperrealistic simulation of school. This should take approximately 10 billion years, meaning that when the kids have passed the test, the oceans will have boiled and the Earth wouldn’t exist anymore. Then they can get their candy.

1. War

You’re probably thinking, “How can you possibly stop war?” Exactly, you can’t. You can, however, change war. You make it such that disputes are settled in the most skilled game of all time: Brawl Stars. Every time a nation wants something from another nation, the leaders play a nationally televised, best-of-seven Brawl Stars World Series, and whoever wins gets whatever they want from the other country. Now that’s how you keep peace. And also how to make your president rage at a super or something.

1. World Hunger

As established in our political solution, modifying humans is always a good option. Thus, the best way to end world hunger is gene editing. Insert genes that code for chloroplasts, effectively making us autotrophs, and eliminating our need for sustenance. The only downside is that we’ll be quite green. It turns out we were the aliens all along.

1. Your Grades

I’m sure all of you reading this right now have 100s in every class here at Stuy. Oh, you don’t? Well, here’s an easy way to fix that. First, you become head of the NYCDOE. Next, you sign an order that declares that all public schools use a 100-100.01 grading point system, with a minimum passing grade of 100. Finally, enjoy your sweet, sweet 100s without any effort put in and forget the days of getting a 99 (or a zero) on a test.

1. Doomscrolling 

You don’t need a phone ban to fix screen time. There’s all this talk about how social media will “destroy kids’ mental health and their attention span.” But you know what will fix the kids? An anti-social media platform. Every time your friends text you to join them in touching grass, the platform will automatically say no to them for you! Everyone will then feel the depression of being sad and lonely. And after all that, people will recognize that social media is the best place for socializing.

1. AI

Everyone nowadays is worried about “AI slop.” So, how do we stop the slop? There’s the much harder way, which is trying to stop everyone from using AI, and the much easier way, which is to simply become one with the slop. If everyone just uploads a copy of themselves onto the web and becomes the AI itself, the slop will not be slop anymore; in fact, it will be a perfectly amazing human creation! Job well done.

1. Death

Death is the ultimate problem. The only way to avoid it is to be immortal. So how do you achieve immortality? You become spacetime. You turn yourself into the cold, dark void. You’re not technically dead, and you will actually feel so alive as a void. I’m sure voids can attest to this. But wait, couldn’t the universe tear spacetime apart when the universe dies? Oh no, then spacetime isn’t immortal. Eh, whatever, that’s future me’s problem. Let’s turn humanity into voids for now. 

And there you have it! The most insane list of solutions the world has ever seen. You may be asking, “How will we ever get enough resources to achieve all this?” Well, we’ll just colonize other planets, exploit the natives, and extract all the ores. Hmm, maybe we do need Britain after all…