Sentient Stuyvesant Backpacks

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Last week, a collaboration between Stuyvesant’s Science Olympiad and the robotics team developed a communication device for inanimate objects. After an intense bribing session involving the loss of a fairly large sum of money and an elevator pass, we were bestowed with the GREATEST honor of testing their product with the pitiful backpacks of Stuyvesant students. We wanted to truly hear and understand their point of view of being abused by overambitious students, and so we decided to hold a group counseling session with various participants. For their privacy, we’ve kept the backpacks’ names anonymous, because apparently, sentient backpacks are quite easily offended. Shocking indeed.

The Spectator: Thank you all for coming today. This is a safe environment so if there’s anything that has been troubling any of you, please speak up.

Backpack A: Hello, my name is ******. Ever since I came to Stuy, I’ve been putting on too much weight at an alarming rate. I can’t even stand up, I just… flop. I must admit that I have been consuming a few extra textbooks recently, but in the past, I could get rid of those pounds within several days, because it’s not like anyone did work in middle school. Since coming to Stuyvesant, I’ve just gotten heavy. I don’t know what to do. The other backpacks that pass me in the hallways give me glares. Last time, one of them called me fat. My self-image has never been so injured before!

The Spectator: Would you mind telling us the status of your human?

Backpack A: I am under the ownership of a *shudders* lowly freshman. Of all grades, I was chosen by the one grade that isn’t capable of understanding how to unlock their locker. I just want to be sexy and thin like the senior backpacks, so I’m really salty.

The Spectator: Ah yes, we understand your predicament and how stressed you must feel. However, we’re sure things will resolve itself soon. Does anyone else have a similar matter or a different issue?

Backpack B: My name is ****. I think my owner is…CHEATING on me. I’m so sorry, I can’t right now. *crying*

The Spectator: There seems to be a lot of crying in this session. Perhaps talking about your emotions will help you feel better. Remember: we are here for you, things will get better, and you have our support.

Backpack B: Okay, it started a few months ago when I noticed that my owner stopped entrusting me with their Spanish textbook. At first, I wasn’t too worried, until one day I saw…oh God…

The Spectator: Deep breaths, sweetie, no need to rush it. We got you.

Backpack B: HE PUT THE TEXTBOOK IN THAT L-LOCKER, OH MY GOD, I CAN’T RIGHT NOW. I didn’t say anything at first because I thought I was being overdramatic and that this was temporary. But, soon after, he stopped entrusting me with his SAT II BOOKS TOO! THAT [expletive]! What does she do better? Am I just not good enough? Every morning, I see him jangle her lock around and turning it. He NEVER did that to me. And he still uses me without even apologizing…I don’t know what to feel about our relationship anymore. Does he still love me? Or am I just his side-backpack?

Backpack C: Can’t relate but you should totes break up with him. You deserve SO much better, gurl.

Backpack B: YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU’RE A WHEELED BACKPACK! YOU WILL NEVER BE BETRAYED! I seriously thought we were something, you know? I guess I just have too much baggage for him..

At this point, the device promptly ran out of fuel (it was running on our tears, which have since dried a while ago). We are very disappointed that we could not capture the full session, but we hope that this new data can be of use to AP Psych students who choose to study the behavior and possible mental disorders of Stuyvesant’s backpacks. May they receive proper treatment soon.