Spending Your Free Time Wisely

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By Shirley Tan

Now that we've all been encapsulated by a membrane of 11:00 a.m. coffee and the grease from our computer screens, it is finally time to get off of your (hopefully) sanitized butt and get some stuff done. It is an absolutely smashing time to tackle what you were too busy to attempt otherwise. Here is a list to whip you back into shape and leave you feeling more fulfilled than ever:

1. Go work out. It is important that not only your wrist stays in shape. While the gyms may be closed, there are plenty of exercises you can do at home! Despite popular belief, leg lifts and five-pound dumbbells aren't only for prissy, middle-aged women. Don’t you want to be one of those show-offs who max out their score on the FitnessGram? Those 75 curl-ups aren’t as challenging as the gym teacher makes them out to be.

2. Discover a new hobby. It is finally time to make use of the things you have but never use. Use that baking soda Uncle Jack got you that one time as a gag gift. Reverse engineer your DS Lite from 2011. Use those drafting supplies you dumped in your closet to draw an orthographic projection of your neighbor’s cat.

3. Descend into a trance-like state after several consecutive hours of online content consumption. This feat is accomplished by blinding your mind’s eye and silencing your inner voice, diminishing reality to only the screen in front of you. This is a necessary transitory state for adjusting to your new life behind closed doors. Dulling the pleasure receptors in your brain is the first step to the complete enjoyment of your time off.

4. Find out if your house has lead paint. This is actually really important to do since you and your family could be in serious danger. The best way to do this is to scrape chips of paint off the walls in different parts of your home. Then, taste them. That's right, put them right into your mouth and chew them thoroughly. If the paint tastes slightly sweet, that means there is lead in it and you need to remove it immediately because breathing it in can lead to various health consequences, such as fatigue and mental retardation.

5. Organize your living quarters, redecorate your room, and rearrange your living room furniture. The same setting is bound to get dull eventually, so it is important to switch things up so you don't start tearing your hair out. Also, it is about time you pack up that K-pop poster in your room. It isn't doing you any favors.

6. Hang out in your backyard. It's probably the first time you've stepped out there in six years, anyway. It has been shown that being in nature has a good effect on your mental health. Being away from all of your friends is no excuse to get depressed. Get that vitamin D. If you don't have a garden, just open your top floor window and reach out as far as you can. Same thing.

7. Reshingle your roof. Now that you've got all this time to spare, it is important that you ward off water damage in your home. It is also a valuable step toward gentrifying your neighborhood and keeping the lower classes out! Now that you're up there, consider sunbathing on it to encourage a healthy lifestyle.

8. Finally, write that biography on Kaiser Wilhelm II. This is probably the most essential item on this list. In these trying times, it is important to focus on education and not repeating history's mistakes. The world, more than anything else, needs to know this great historical figure's story. Instead of spending time with your family, chilling out to reduce stress, or preparing for the economic Armageddon that will soon be upon us, you should learn about Kaiser Wilhelm II. He should be the focus of all your energy, the goal of your faculties, and the axis around which your will revolves. He should be the skeleton which the flesh and muscles of your soul bend and contort around. Without Wilhelm II, there might have never been the First World War!

I highly recommend following the advice contained within this comprehensive list for the sake of your sanity and the betterment of the world around you. It is vital for all of us to stay strong in these trying times and give support to those who need it. If you don’t follow these guidelines, you will definitely get sick. Whether it’s a result of accidental exposure to an infected person or from drinking the water I contaminated, you’ll never know.