Stuyvesant Halts Increased Tallness

Get rid of all the tall people.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

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By Sophia Li

Recently, Stuyvesant’s crack team of data analysts has noticed a disturbing correlation: over the last three months, the average SAT score of Stuyvesant students has dropped 20 points, and the average height of Stuyvesant students has increased by an inch.

“It is astonishing. While there is the perception that Stuyvesant students are getting shorter and smarter, it just isn’t true,” Principal Eric Contreras said. “In fact, we did the research, and we found out that the longer that students attend Stuy, the dumber they get and the taller they get. Clearly, there is a correlation, and we all know correlation equals causation.” With that, he introduced a new initiative in order to maintain Stuyvesant’s position as one of the top high schools in the country.

The Stuyvesant Anti-Tall Initiative is designed to bring every student to a maximum height of 5’6”. The logic behind it is simple: all the brain cells that go toward helping tall people’s long bones work could be redirected toward doing academic stuff like long division and Advanced Physics with AP Physics 1 Topics. There are many ways in which the shortening process can be done, but the quickest and most cost-efficient way, which Stuyvesant has implemented, involves cutting off the legs of any student deemed unacceptably tall right below the knee. In this process, any student designated “too tall” will be sent to the basement by one of the deans, where their legs will be cut until they are at an acceptable height. The student will then be sent back to class with brand-new feet.

The student reaction to this project has been overwhelmingly positive. “Hell yeah!” freshman Shou Tie said. “I can finally legally discriminate against tall people! I’ve been waiting for this my entire life.” She then proceeded to run toward a 6’0” senior and kick them in the face. Many other interviewed students gave a similar response to Tie, but we here at The Stuyvesant Spectator are obligated to inform the student body that beating up fellow peers because of their towering heights and weird, lanky frames is unfortunately illegal and punishable by suspension. Let the attacks on tall people be left to our school staff.

There has, however, been a minority of people who oppose the new program. “Look, I might be tall, and I might be stupid, but that doesn’t mean I should get my legs cut off. I should at least be allowed to keep my Jordans. I have a right to legs, my dude. Let me keep my legs!” senior Tae Lazz said, right before getting punched in the face by a 4’11” junior.

The Stuyvesant Anti-Tall Initiative is set to begin on April 20. Tall students who don’t want to fall under the new restrictions are advised to find ways to shorten themselves, such as sitting in a pneumatic press or locking themselves in a locker and letting evolution and adaptation do their thing. Shorter students who are afraid of getting a growth spurt and falling under these new restrictions are advised to drink as much coffee and Red Bull as possible in order to stunt their growth.