The BEST Ways to Get Rejected. Sorry, We Meant how to NEVER Get Rejected.

“‘Today’s the day,’ you decide. The day to propose to your crush. You have repeatedly practiced your googled rizz lines in front of the mirror and your Kung-Fu combo in case she turns you down. Which she does. 

‘Er, sorry, I am actually engaged to your brother’s wife’s cousin’s, um, pet hamster. He has lovely hair, you know.’ 

‘My brother is three–,’ you counter.

‘I am going to be moving to New Zealand for witness protection reasons.’

Which she does. Congratulations! You managed to scare your soulmate into another country. A few weeks later, she posts a photo of you on her story, along with the caption, ‘If this face isn’t a reason to stay away from high school, I don’t know what is.’” —Diya Mallu, sophomore

“AHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?! DID YOU SERIOUSLY CLIMB IN THROUGH THE WINDOW?! I’M CALLING THE COPS IF YOU DON’T LEAVE! GET OUT, GET OUT YOU [EXPLETIVE]!” —Sara Bhuiyan, freshman

“Um, sorry, I have a boyfriend. He’s strong, smart, handsome, sweet… so nothing like you. He also owns a multibillion-dollar company, fights crime every weekend, and knows Batman… and he’s standing right behind you. You might want to run now.” —Gary Huang, senior

“Sorry, I can’t go out with you. My goldfish died recently, and I have to attend its funeral today. I would have considered it if you were even a tad more attractive than my dead goldfish, but unfortunately, you’re not, so I don’t see how this is going to work out between us. You could help by paying for the funeral bills and casket, though.” —Adeline Liao, sophomore

“Me? You’re talking to me? Oh. But, I thought you always wanted a man in finance, trust fund, 6’5, blue eyes. No? Then why was that the only thing I heard coming out of your phone last year? Seriously, get a life.” —Faiza Rumman, sophomore

“That’s sweet, but I can’t go out with you. You need to realize that failing that physics test wasn’t your fault. You’ve been in a coma for two months now, and we can’t seem to reach you. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. WAKE UP!” —Jai Shah, senior

"Wait, you’re bi??? I didn't know you liked girls. I guess I’m honored that I’m probably the only girl you feel this way towards. You say you don’t like men? I mean I can pretend like that’s true if it makes you feel better." —Matthew Chen, sophomore

“Hey [Name],

I hope you’re doing well! I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for the opportunity to connect, but after giving it some thought, I don’t think it’s the right fit for me at this time. I truly appreciate your understanding and wish you all the best moving forward.

Take care!

Best,

[Your Name]” —Tamiyyah Shafiq, senior

“‘Sorry, but I’m in a relationship with my Crush, the soda’ *pulls out a Crush soda bottle and chugs the entire thing in front of your face*” —John Zeng, freshman

“Huh? Wait, before you say anything, I have six tests this week and a preplanned argument with my AP Physics teacher. Could we reschedule your confession for next Thursday?… What? You’re free whenever? You don’t have any tests for the next three weeks?? Wait a minute… are you a freshman?! Oh no, I definitely cannot be getting arrested just yet. Brb, gonna jump out a window real quick.” —Fiona Chen, senior

“By the way, I don’t wash my hands after I use the toilet.” —Nicole Lui, freshman

“Are you 0K? Cause you’re an absolute zero. Heh… get it?” —Deon Woon, sophomore 

“As sweet as that was, there is no way I am ever going to be seen with the likes of you. You’re not six feet tall, you don’t make seven figures a year, and frankly, I think you’re a disgrace and should never try to shoot a shot like that again. Hit me up only when you’ve made it to the NBA Draft (AKA – NEVER!)” —Syed Ali, junior

“YOU CAN SEE ME?” —Eva Kastoun, sophomore

“Huh, okay. Who are you again? Sorry, I got you confused with that other kid wearing the Stuy gym uniform eating by himself in the cafeteria. He was some no-life Brawl Stars addict with a hunchback. Your posture might be a little better, I guess, but you should probably find some legitimate hobbies before you talk to anyone again.” —Jake Chan, sophomore

“To be honest, I’ve always thought of you like a little brother.” —Gabriella Hoefner, senior

“Sorry, what’s your name again?” —Lukas Yao, Freshman

“Ew.” —Dale Heller, senior

“As you look at her, you happen to notice the camera gently rising from behind her folder. Wait, what? Is this seriously an attempt to get Discord clout? She semi-whispers ‘I’m so sorry, but I’m like way too busy for a relationship right now, but, like, good luck in the future! I’m sure there’s a person out there for you!’

She rapidly walks around a corner, and you can hear her deliver a possibly-rehearsed screed to her phone camera. ‘Oh my God, I have to deal with this every single day, I really don’t know why y’all are so obsessed with me. And how do you just break a guy’s heart like that? I mean, he was totally a creep and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him following me home, but like, ugh! I can’t just look him in the eyes and be mean to him even if he’s a total disgrace of a human being, it’s just like too cruel, cause I’m such an empath. I can’t be mean to people basically ever. Why is my life so hard, like on top of the Euro test, chem test, and Mando test I can’t even walk in hallways without being hit on? OMG, why can’t these people leave me alone?!’

You were wrong. It was an attempt to get TikTok famous. Do people even use that anymore? Guess it isn’t banned just yet.” —Maria Tzanova, sophomore