The College Essay That Got Me Into Every Ivy

In 67 words or fewer, tell us about yourself. 

Let’s set the record straight. I’m choosing to ignore the word limit. Other people follow the rules, but the rules follow me.

My friends call me ChadGPT. If they have any questions, I’m the one they ask, but my intelligence is not artificial. It’s simply because I’m better than Google Gemini, Grok, Sora, and all those other AI clankers—because I’m Chad!

Besides ChadGPT, my friends also call me Will; when they say, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way,” they’re talking about me. Whenever I appear, I manage to solve all problems instantaneously. World hunger? Give me six or seven minutes, and I’ll have it done. Global warming? The only things that’ll be warming when I’m done are their hearts when they see all the saved polar bears. They say, “You don’t have to reinvent the wheel,” but I do it anyway.

I attended Harvard when I was six years old. They actually had the audacity to “reject” me, at first, but I kindly rejected their rejection letter. I’ll provide an excerpt from the letter here: “Dear Harvard, after careful consideration of your letter, I am sorry to inform you that I am unable to offer you a spot on my rejection list.”

But it’s not Harvard that gave me my roaring success in high school. I graduated in two years with a 10.0 GPA (unweighted) and scored a 1700 on the SAT and 2500 on the old SAT. I was both the valedictorian and salutatorian of not only my high school, but also my middle school and elementary school. For my extracurriculars, I worked in a lab on the moon where I discovered a cure for cancer, then built from scraps, in a moon cave, the rocket that took me and my miraculous cancer cure home, where I distributed the cure to millions. 

Just like my mind, my body is a temple. Did you know I also play professional sports? No, no, not “which sport.” All sports. I was actually the first addition to the MLB Hall of Fame—they actually had to rework the requirements to reach MY standards. I’m a 67-time Olympic gold medalist, 25-time World Cup winner (I know, I know, there’s only been 22 World Cups, but my wins were so big they had to double-count some of them), and I was the captain of the Earth’s global track team, baseball team, swimming team, softball team, gymnastics team, football team, and basketball team, leading them all to victory in the Intergalactic Championships. 

In the future, I aspire to discover the secrets of immortality and live forever so that I can graduate from all the Ivies and use my brain as the model for a new computer software—the real intelligence. Better than AI, more advanced than anything you can imagine—long live ChadGPT!