THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE.

In one of the many glass cubes located around Stuyvesant’s walls, there was one specific thing that, at first, wouldn’t really stand out. It was located on the bleachers of the pool and contained a simple wooden cube with writing that said, “THE CUBE.” Last weekend, it was broken by one of the custodians trying to clean it.

By the time Monday came around, a couple of confused freshmen came to the pool to find the custodian bowing down and saying, “THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE.” Whether it was the memetic power of THE CUBE or just the natural response of the tiny little freshmen, they began to follow the custodian’s chant. When the bell rang for second period, they fought over who would get to keep THE CUBE. The winner of the fight was the one junior in the freshman swim class—Helena Williams. She was elated that she would be able to spread the word of THE CUBE. But as she entered the crowded hallways, she found herself mobbed by her peers, now captivated by THE CUBE.

The rest of the week, students were infatuated with the idea of THE CUBE. People were willing to die for THE CUBE. People were willing to kill for THE CUBE. Not even the threats of teachers saying they would fail their students if they didn’t bring THE CUBE to them could stop people from claiming THE CUBE for themselves.

And so THE CUBE WARS began. There was mass destruction throughout Stuy, nearly spilling out into Battery Park City. At one point, the Student Union claimed THE CUBE and used its power to create an army to enforce its rule, but the army was quickly entranced by THE CUBE and turned against their leaders. One of the many science and technology groups in Stuy made a nuclear bomb to destroy anyone who tried to take THE CUBE from them, but we, the righteous and honorable Humor department, stopped them by beating them up until they stopped moving. We then searched their bags for THE CUBE, and I got my hands on it for just a minute. It was beautiful. It was amazing. My mind was instantly filled by the endless possibilities of THE CUBE. I could change the world with THE CUBE. Nothing could stop me if I had THE CUBE. Then, my editor Olly Stewart tried to take it from me. Olly, if you’re reading this, “forget” you.

None of us knew where THE CUBE came from, but rumors spread about its origins. Some said it formed from the hopes and dreams of Stuy students. Some said it was something stolen from Moran’s secret stash. And others said it was created by a secret Stuyvesant cabal of magic, made to harness an ancient and powerful energy.

The war was finally broken up sometime on Friday by none other than Eric Contreras himself, rumored CUBE creator and arguably the only person who could handle THE CUBE’S power without instantly being corrupted. He was able to contain it in its original position, but shortly after, a bunch of shadowy figures entered the school. It seemed that the rumor of THE CUBE’S power had escaped Stuy. The mysterious figures proceeded to round up the rest of the school.

They are going to wipe everyone’s memory of THE CUBE. They will erase THE CUBE from the world’s consciousness. They will burn THE CUBE. They will destroy THE CUBE.

They are looking for THE CUBE right now. But I found it first. I’m going to break the glass. I’m going to save THE CUBE.

I can see it now. The glass is broken. THE CUBE is beautiful. THE CUBE is power. THE CUBE is endless. THE CUBE is perfection. I can save THE CUBE.

They’re here now. I need to save THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUBE. THE CUB——————

Huh. That’s weird. When did I write this article?