The Escalator Disaster

The Humor Department investigates the sinister cause of malfunctioning escalators.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

I stared fervently at the clock. It was 12:32 p.m., just one minute left until the end of the period. On the edge of my seat, I watched the seconds tick by. I cocked my head, the end bell rang, and I was off! It was time for a monumental journey: my daily trek from the second to the eighth floor.

Stuyvesant students know better than anyone that a 10-story building can be a curse. As a freshman, I found myself racing from the fourth to the 10h floor with only five measly minutes to make it to class. Other students had it even worse: some had to go from the third to the 10th floor, while others started from the second floor. But no matter how bad our predicament, we all rallied together around Stuyvesant’s saving grace, the escalators. Six-floor climb? No problem! Who needs the stairs when you have a machine that moves for you?

I kept this in mind as I made my way up to the eighth floor. I patted the two-four escalator fondly. I caressed the four-six escalator adoringly. As I strode past the library, I readied myself to pay homage to the six-eight escalator. Then, I rounded the corner and felt my heart drop. 

The escalator was broken. Its comforting mechanical whir had transformed into a symphony of stomping feet. I stared at it in horror, and all of the pieces began to fall into place.

Some people would dismiss a malfunctioning escalator as nothing more than a coincidence, but I knew better. The escalator shutting down was a continuation of a sinister pattern. Recently, escalators have been shutting down more frequently and staying broken for longer. This wasn’t coincidental. Yes, that’s right—because it is part of a conspiracy arranged by the PE teachers.

They have formed a cult, and they are all working together to force Stuyvesant students to exercise. Sabotaging the six-eight escalator was just a test. Eventually, they will scale up their operations and take down all of the escalators. Their secret meetings begin with a chant of their foundational saying: “Children should take the stairs.”

In order to get to the bottom of the scheme, members of Spec Humor infiltrated the PE cult, and they were horrified by what they found. The gym teachers held weightlifting rituals and sacrificed scrawny students to the leg press at meetings. Many Humor members have not returned. Anyone who joined the cult had to prove their worth by doing a hundred consecutive push-ups. The overarching goal of the cult was to make every part of the school day feel more like PE.

We all need to band together to save the escalators! If you see a PE teacher approach an escalator, scare them off! If we unite, we can keep Stuyvesant students puny and scrawny.