The Honest Reviews That You’ve Been Missing

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By Christine Jegarl

Have you had enough of misleading movie reviews written by incompetent critics? Well have no fear, there is finally an extremely qualified expert and general scholar available to bring the truth to the people: me.

The Best Movies of All Time

The Last Airbender - This world renowned film is perhaps the best adaptation of a cartoon into a live action film of all time. “The Last Airbender” is driven by a plot that left almost the entire audience snore-free. The dialogue evokes the wit and fast pace of a physics textbook, making it a Stuyvesant favorite. The depth with which the characters are portrayed can only be described using antonyms of the word “depth,” and the same can be said for the film’s emotion and excitement. Fearlessly pushing the boundaries, the movie displays both talent and range as its white cast takes on more “exotic” characters. “The Last Airbender” provides audiences with a level of entertainment comparable to an imminently dissected frog, making it a movie the world will remember.

Batman vs. Superman - Perhaps the most successful of the Batman movies, “Batman vs. Superman” gives even “Batman and Robin” a run for its money. After all, the frustration of watching your favorite superheroes incite each other in a tiresome and pointless feud that strips them of all charm makes for an enjoyable movie experience. It’s just so…out of the mainstream. Fighting the bad guys might give you something to root for, but it’s simply overdone. Why stick with a concept that’s worked for decades? Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill shine as the title characters, substituting charisma and depth for darkness and evoking true emotional suffering from the audience.

Twilight - Undoubtedly the greatest love story of all time, the movie is renowned for its ability to reach a diverse audience—teenage girls with low self-esteem and their weird moms—globally. Robert Pattinson, a once talented actor, stars as a sparkly vampire and dreamboat-for-masochists named Edward Cullen. The complexity of this character is mind-blowing. Edward Cullen is a “vegetarian,” and his high sense of morality forces him to survive only off of animal blood, a unique diet which unfortunately leaves him with chronic constipation. The 80-year age difference between him and his love interest adds a pleasant touch of pedophilia to an already dark movie. Kristen Stewart portrays the ever-relatable love interest and protagonist Bella Swan, a pale, depressed, humorless girl, noted for her use of only one facial expression. Ultimately, this movie teaches us of the perseverance of love, as these two sickos find love despite a plot that’s as murderous as enemy vampires.

The Worst Movies of All Time

Titanic - James Cameron’s mess of a movie about some dumb boat has temporarily murdered joy in the dozens who watched it. Nobodies Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCraprio, two artists who don't deserve to be so much as nominated for an Oscar, play Rose and Jack, a couple almost as insufferable as the movie they star in. Rose is alternately an annoying rich girl and terrible old lady—someone who thinks it’s okay to waste a million years of an excavator’s time only to dump the jewel that could have supported her family and a small country for the length of this never-ending film into the ocean she should have drowned in. Jack, the forbidden poor boy with a French people fetish, woos Rose by spitting from a balcony. Together, they make the stupidest couple of all time, exemplified by their inability to share a door that could have prevented death. The two spend a week lying to Rose’s family and defiling her car, only bringing audiences relief when Jack decides dying would be preferable to spending any more time with Rose. The most tragic aspect of the film is undoubtedly its existence, and the most joyous—its end.

Harry Potter - This franchise has got to be the worst thing to have happened to cinema. By now, it is widely known that this disaster lacked any genuine, exciting, or captivating plot. The “movie” features washed up child stars that never went far, with Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson playing protagonists Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger, irrelevant midget magicians who spend their entire time at wizard nerd school pissing everyone off and being idiotically inefficient at learning their magic tricks. The story centers around some bespectacled and poorly dressed noob who enters a world of magic where (surprise, surprise!) he is the only one who can save the magicians from the looming threat of a bald guy’s shiny head. Needless to say, the entire premise of this story is ridiculous and leaves unsatisfied viewers with questions such as, “Why would you need a glorified stick to do magic?” and “Could they really not have figured out a more efficient postage system?” The story features no teachable moments or profound ideas, essentially centering around four-eyed idiot being an insufferable dweeb at an institution that sounds like a disease that would induce hospitalization, Hogwarts.

Casablanca - A speck of dirt in Hollywood’s Golden Age, Michael Curtiz’s “Casablanca” is a film that has enjoyed little legacy outside of its renowned lack of quality. Inconsequential actors Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman play Rick Blaine and Ilsa Lund in a film that explains why they never received any recognition or fame. The first issue of course is the silly way that everyone talks, giving the impression that they’re trying to talk around a small elephant that had been stuffed in their mouths. Never before has there been a film as monotonous and emotionless as this one. Tragically separated from the love of your life during the most horrendous war of all time? Reunited only to leave one another behind again? Big deal! It completely lacks plot or conflict, and the scenes, sets, and costumes could hardly be more aesthetically unpleasing. This film destroys any charm of nostalgia for old films.