The New Year’s Resolutions Generator To End All Irresolutions

Need a doable New Year’s resolution? We gotchu.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

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By Sophia Zhao

With 2019 behind us at last, there’s no better way to start the new year than with the infamous tradition of NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS! Remember the hottie you said you were gonna ask out after watching him from across the room in math for three years? Or that promise you alamade to yourself to start going to sleep earlier? Or even the pledge that you would start eating healthier and maybe hit the gym a few times a week? Oh, you don’t remember? Ah welp. You probably forgot about them after failing to actually attempt them. Considering how old you are right now, that’s like… way too many failures for your sanity’s well-being! Alas, it’s no surprise that you’ve become discouraged and at a loss for realistic goals (because everyone knows that actually leaving your house to work out is too daunting of a task).

But fear not! Provided below is a generator, courtesy of The Spectator, that will create realistic, individually-tailored resolutions to determine your goal for the beginning of a new decade for a new you! Just follow this simple equation (shouldn’t be that hard! We are a math school after all… I hope):

This year, my New Year’s resolution is to [birth month] + [first letter of your name].

January- Date

February- Win a fight with

March- Evolve into

April- Kiss

May- Adopt

June- Violate

July- Lick

August- Caress

September- Successfully woo

October- Smell

November- Assault

December- Eat

A- The halal food cart dude

B- My AP Chemistry Princeton Review book (which I vowed to use but haven’t opened since the beginning of time)

C- The suspicious wad of gum under my favorite desk

D- A passing test score

E- The pole in a subway car

F- The lo-fi radio girl

G- The calorimeters in the chemistry lab (a.k.a. coffee thermoses)

H- The dust inside of my locker

I- Myself

J- A dead body

K- My math teacher

L- A urinal

M- My bestest friend

N- The potted plants on the seventh floor

O- The newest issue of The Spectator

P- An iced coffee with milk and sugar from the breakfast cart

Q- My crush

R- An obese pigeon (that’s probably carrying, like, rabies or something)

S- A bacon-avocado-chipotle sandwich from Ferry’s

T- A working escalator

U- My English teacher

V- A beautiful, amazing donkey

W- The single lead pencil I have

X- The textbook page I fell asleep and drooled on

Y- The mysterious stain on the second-floor boys’ bathroom stall

Z- My pillow