The Revolutionary “Sleep Talk” Program

With the end of September, a majority of Stuyvesant students have resorted back to their abnormal, screwed-up sleeping habits. Sleep deprivation is spreading faster than...

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With the end of September, a majority of Stuyvesant students have resorted back to their abnormal, screwed-up sleeping habits. Sleep deprivation is spreading faster than the use of metal straws, and its effects have been much more prevalent. Students left and right have been passing out on their desks, on the benches, and are sprawled across the ground in the hallways. An urgent staff meeting was held last Friday in which many teachers described their agitation with the sleep-deprivation epidemic plaguing the school. Coffee is often viewed as the go-to remedy for sleep-deprivation, and an average Stuyvesant student’s blood already consists of 92 percent coffee. Caffeine is detrimental to the fragile, developing bodies of adolescents, especially since they’re already unhealthy as is. Thankfully, to solve this problem, Principal Eric Contreras has come up with an ingenious solution by partnering up with the Student Union to introduce a new program: Sleep Talk!

This revolutionary program employs volunteers of all levels, from amateurs to professionally-trained counselors, to motivate students to persevere through even the most monotonous of classes. Sleep Talk workers will follow students throughout the day to provide assistance.

Experiences will certainly differ depending on the tier of the program that you apply for.

For a standard-tier package, a Sleep Talk volunteer, a student who is likely to be just as sleep-deprived as you, will attend your classes during their free periods to provide assistance. Just as you begin nodding off to sleep, they’ll give you a slap on the back of your head before the teacher or anyone else notices. However, more often than not, they’ll probably fall asleep before you do, and you’ll have to wake them up to remind them to wake you up. After all, they’re also an ARISTA tutor, a Writing Center editor, and a community service volunteer, and could really care less about you. All they really need are those service hours to go on that juicy college resumé.

A premium-tier package provides a better experience and a professional Sleep Talk counselor at a mere cost of $10 per period. Instead of a harsh slap on the back of your head, which is probably detrimental to the few brain cells you have left, you are able to request gentle head rubs or soothing caresses that will gingerly bring you back into the reality of your history class. For an additional $5, Sleep Talkers will whisper phrases of encouragement such as “don’t let those sleep paralysis demons bomb your already helpless average, honey” and “if you don’t wake up, you’ll bring dishonor to your family, and your reputation in this classroom will be forever tarnished.” This package ensures that if you do doze off accidentally, you can always count on someone to wake you up and leave you even more refreshed than before.

The last package available is the deluxe-tier package, which provides the ultimate, revolutionary Sleep Talk experience. You will be provided with a professional Sleep Talk coach who will follow you through every period of your school day and provide after-school training sessions for the mere cost of $2000 a month! Sleep Talk coaches will use a variety of mental exercises to mentally abus—er, strengthen—students so that they’ll no longer feel tired during the school day. However, in the off chance that you do fall asleep, your coach will be there to screech in your ear and tell you to “drop and give them 20.” Not only will you be awake, but you’ll also be super healthy! The adrenaline rush and embarrassment you get will fuel you through the rest of mathematics class without faltering one bit. In addition, to ensure that you remain vigilant throughout your classes, coaches will abruptly throw pens, pencils, textbooks, or chairs at random intervals. This promptly wakes the student as they are forced to react… if not, the pain will wake them up all the same. It’s a win-win! The deluxe-tier package trains their clients to effectively harness their sixth sense to stay awake during class and become a better Naruto Runner as an added bonus.

The Spectator fully endorses the innovative Sleep Talk program, and we encourage all students to take advantage of this wonderful offer. It is well worth its cheap cost and will be a valuable asset to your performance at Stuyvesant. On the other hand, if you seek to make a better Stuyvesant experience for your fellow peers, we highly recommend that you apply to Sleep Talk. It’s an amazing experience that you and your peers (and your college apps) will benefit from!