There Ain’t No Rule A Dog Can’t Play For Stuy

Frustrated at Stuyvesant High School’s lack of success in recent sporting events, Athletics Director Peter Bologna has made the decision to admit Air Bud to join the teams at Stuy.

“Look, I’ve been staring at the PSAL rules for about a minute, and there ain’t no rule saying a dog can’t do PSAL sports, and even if there WAS a rule, we could just become really good at ultimate frisbee,” Bologna said. “The only problem we face now is trying to figure out what sports he will do. Okay, yeah, he might not be able to complete the Stuy Diploma, but let’s be honest: those things are useless for people, much less dogs.”

Bologna also mentioned the rise of school spirit following Air Bud’s admission: “This good boy is the only good thing about Stuy. I have seen a rise in incredibly lame disses about other specialized schools, mostly along the lines of ‘Air Bud can obliterate any other school with .01 percent of his power!’ In fact, there is evidence that people outside of Stuy are starting to fall for Air Bud as well, considering the fact that the guards have had to remove people after they broke into the school to ‘pet that REALLY GOOD BOY,’” he said.

Upon hearing this news, every one of Stuyvesant’s sports teams has begun to chase after Air Bud during his classes, trying to get him to join their team so they can fetch gold. “Yeah, it’s chaotic,” senior Victor Kuang said. “I mean, one minute the class has stopped just so we can pet [Air Bud’s] incredibly soft fur—he’s so at peace when we do it—and the next minute we see a bunch of kids from the track team trying to break down the doors with signs saying stuff like ‘Join Us Air Bud! You Are A Very Fast Boy!’ I don’t think he minded.”

Similar events have occurred since the school year started. Members of the football team have made the decision to carry Air Bud to all of his classes, and the golf team has brought gourmet dog food for him every day. While Air Bud has not chosen a sport yet, he is so beloved by the teachers that he gets a PSAL free and a personalized jacket reading “AIR BUD #1” from Principal Eric Contreras himself.

The excitement of having a dog join Stuyvesant’s sports teams was explained by junior Chrisabella Javier when we went to see Air Bud take the swim test: “It’s a DOG! He’s so cute and so good at everything! Look at his doggy paddle! And his butterfly! I didn’t even think dogs could do that! He should join our swim team. You know, we’ve won the City Championships for the past few years, and we’ve got these really nice uniforms that he would look great in! They’re red and black…wait. A well-off, successful team that is in no way an underdog with red and black uniforms—holy [expletive], we might be the bad guys in this sports movie,” she exclaimed.

We at The Spectator had an interview with Air Bud to see how he felt about everything. After catching him trying out for the boy’s fencing team (and doing very well, we may add—he was waving the sword in his mouth while the team took pictures of him stabbing a freshman), we asked him which team he was most likely to join.

“WOOF! ARF! BARK! BARK!” he said, before rolling over to get some (very well deserved) belly rubs and yummy treats. At the time of reporting, we can confirm that he is a very good boy.