Valentine’s Day Sweethearts for Hire

A new initiative for the helpless, lonely students at Stuyvesant.

Reading Time: 5 minutes

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By Anita Wu

It’s that time of the year again! Love is in the air, and so are flies, the influenza virus, and the pheromones of sweaty adolescents all hoping to shoot their shots. Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is a nonexistent holiday here at Stuyvesant High School, even with the sale of overpriced flowers and chocolates circulating through the school. Most, if not all, students here have nonexistent social interaction skills and even more nonexistent flirting skills. (In fact, they can’t even be considered real anymore. Only imaginary.)

However, this year, Principal Eric Contreras is hoping to shatter this stigma at Stuyvesant by administering the “Sweetheart Initiative.”

“[Stuyvesant students] are, without a doubt, incredibly intelligent and high-achieving students,” Contreras explained. “But when it comes to social skills, they’re about as smooth as a chicken nugget.”

Assistant Principal of Security, Health, and Physical Education Brian Moran provided an example, stating, “Just the other day, I had a sophomore sent to the dean’s office because his pick-up line was so terrible that it was comparable to some cruel and unusual form of sexual harassment.”

The new Sweetheart Initiative seeks to help educate and build the romantic confidence of students by offering literal Sweethearts for hire.

“I often see and hear about romantic busts from my students,” an anonymous guidance counselor stated. “It’s terribly tragic how these fake, toxic relationships form, and even more pathetic how these teenagers can go on failing AP courses but immediately succumb when rejected by someone with whom they had only made eye contact for two seconds.”

However, with the Sweetheart Initiative, students won’t have to worry about unfaithful partners, as their Sweethearts are paid to show affection and love.

But before you purchase it, it is critical that you are aware that the Sweetheart Initiative comes in packages of various romantic intensities. It’s recommended that you catch yourself up on the deals that are broken down below so that you can make the best purchase for yourself.

The “Wink-Wink” Package

Contreras clearly knows that Stuyvesant students are very, very desperate for any sort of romantic interaction (as made clear by the weird-ass posts on Stuyvesant Confessions). Thus, he created the “Wink-Wink” package. This package will help introduce basic social skills to helpless students. For only five bucks per week, a client’s Sweetheart will engage in the most minimal of social interactions and will maintain a short distance so as not to threaten the sacred “body-space bubble.” Such interactions will include a wave or a head nod to them in the hallways, giving students an immense amount of satisfaction that someone actually acknowledges their existence. Through this package, students will be able to train themselves to gain enough confidence to wave back or initiate one themselves, which is a basic strategy to obtaining the item desired: a friend.

The “BFF” Package

One of the most basic packages, the “BFF” package, is perfect for students who are lonely but not yet ready for romantic interactions. For just $6.90 a week, clients can have their Sweethearts greet them (by name for an additional 69 cents) in the hallways and walk with them to their classes between periods. There will be no physical interactions permitted, but the Sweethearts will giggle at all their jokes, listen intently to all their sorrows, and blush on command when they look at them. This package is recommended for students who are seeking to improve their social skills and develop the precursor skills needed to get friendzoned (which is one of the basic skills needed for an upgrade into some rOmaNce).

The “Hug Me” Package

The “Hug Me” package involves the upgrade of physical interaction (only to a minimal romantic degree, however) and is perfect for students who have had minimal romantic interactions. For only $16.90 a week, a client gets all of the aforementioned perks with the addition of several physical gestures. These gestures might be, but are not limited to, high fives, fist bumps, bro-pats, and the classic hand shake. For an additional $6.90, custom handshakes can be created. Also, a hug is obviously included. Because most students get little to no physical interaction at all, this package will teach students how to return a high five, an essential skill needed for more flirtatious endeavors. Perhaps a student may also gain enough confidence to initiate these actions with others, but one can only hope for such a blessed outcome. This package is recommended for students who have adequate social skills but little to no romantic skills and will be perfect training for developing the basic but essential skills of dating.

The “Kiss Me” Package

The ”Kiss Me” package includes the upgrade of having a client’s Sweetheart engage in the art of flirtation. For $69.69 a week, your chosen Sweetheart will have all the perks included in the previous packages as well as flirt with you. These flirtatious phrases will include some sayings commonly found on the heart candies that students often buy and read to themselves to give themselves some sort of consolation. Here, though, these phrases will carry a much greater significance since someone else, rather than a paper card or candy heart, is conveying the message to the lonely students. All these phrases will be said completely out of context. Scenarios may include but are not limited to, “Let’s Get Busy” with a wink or wiggly eyebrows (for an extra $4.20) in the general direction of the Hudson stairwell, “MY BABY” randomly screamed out in the middle of a crowded hallway, or even “REACH 4 IT” accompanied by a loud moan (for an extra cost of $6.90). An additional physical interaction of kissing will also be included. Spicy indeed! Students are guaranteed to get a euphoric sensation from the rush of heightened self-esteem from these two- or three-word phrases. This is truly pathetic, but students will be filled with so much confidence afterward that they will be able to handle such straightforward announcements of love and will be trained to initiate these actions with any victims of their choosing. This package is recommended for people who have enough confidence for small physical interactions, but not enough to maintain flirtatious interactions.

The “Me & You” Package

The “Me & You” package is the most romantically-involved experience out of all the other packages and is perfect for students finally seeking something more iNteNSe. For $6,969, clients can have their Sweethearts move into their homes. This simulates the most romantic experience individuals will ever have in their lives, that is, sharing a life with a soulmate. This will involve all the aforementioned perks and the addition of certain daily rituals, such as sharing drinks from the same straw (with this exchange of saliva and bacteria, students will finally reach the level of intimacy most will never be able to achieve), sleeping next to each other on the subway, walking to and from school together, feeding each other lunch, as well as other unspecified INTIMATE household activities (once a client is at home, there is no limit to just how intimate the relationship can be; let your imagination run wild)! This package is recommended for students with long-term dating experience looking to take things a bit further and is wonderful training for more permanent relationships such as “Marriage,” which, unfortunately, isn’t a package included in the Sweetheart Initiative. “Marriage” is, however, available on platforms such as “Tinder.” Living expenses are not included in the price.

Contreras’s “Sweetheart Initiative” sets high hopes for the students of Stuyvesant. “I realize we are a gifted school with gifted students,” Contreras stated. “Hopefully with this new initiative, students can be socially gifted as well and actually act like normal high school students by talking to each other for once instead of being so sad and lonely all the time.”

DISCLAIMER: The Sweetheart Initiative does not claim any responsibility for future messy breakups, abnormal amounts of crying, insecurities, or cheating conflicts. The initiative is NOT in any way affiliated with prostitution and is totally NOT a grand scheme to get money from lonely high schoolers.