What New York Animal Are You?

It is 3:00 a.m., merely five hours before your first AP exam. You have been procrastinating both studying and sleeping by going on a BuzzFeed quiz marathon. However, all of these purportedly “100% accurate” and “scarily true” personality quizzes only end up disappointing you—you do not give off the vibes of a dolphin, dang it!— and they’re never personalized either. How can you ever stop procrastinating if you can’t find a quiz that reflects your true identity? 

Well, the Spectator Humor Department has the perfect quiz (definitely not stolen from Buzzfeed) for you, with relatable questions and authentic results! Just answer 10 short questions to find out what your spirit animal is! <3

1. What’s your favorite food group?

- Carbohydrates (1 point)

- Protein (2 points)

- Vegetables/Fruit (3 points)

- Sweets/Candy (4 points) 

- Nutrients are beneath my level of existence. (5 points)

2. What’s your favorite part of New York City? 

- Subway train poles with a multitude of infectious diseases (1 point)

- Parks and their resident poop-dispensing birds (2 points)

- Busy city streets (3 points)

- Quiet suburbs (4 points) 

- LET ME OUT OF THIS CITY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE (5 points)

3. What’s your favorite location in Stuy?

- 11th Floor Pool (1 point)

- 8-10 Escalator (2 points)

- Hudson Staircase (3 points)

- Half Floor (4 points)

- Cafeteria (5 points) 

4. What is your favorite calculator brand?

- The underrated Casio (1 point)

- The classic Texas Instruments (2 points)

- HP, the brand that should focus on making better printers (3 points)

- Other brands (4 points)

- I am a math genius and don’t need puny calculators (5 points) 

5. What is your favorite class in Stuy? 

- Physical Education (1 point)

- AP Sciences: Biology, Chemistry, Physics, etc. (2 points)

- English (3 points)

- Mathematics (4 points)

- History (5 points) 

6. What is your favorite drink?

- Water (1 point)

- Soda (2 points)

- Coffee/other caffeinated beverages (3 points)

- Juice (4 points)

- Water is for weaklings (5 points) 

7. How many hours of sleep do you get on average?

- 0 (1 point)

- 1-2 (2 points)

- 3-4 (3 points)

- 5-6 (4 points)

- I am the mythical Stuyvesant student who somehow gets 7+ hours of sleep every night. (5 points) 

8. What periodic table family is your favorite snack choice? 

- Alkali metals (1 point)

- Halogens (2 points)

- Noble gasses (3 points)

- Transition metals (4 points)

- Carbon, nitrogen, or oxygen group (5 points)

9. How would you get rid of a body? 

- Feed it to the hogs (1 point)

- Strong acids (2 points)

- Bury it (3 points)

- Dump it in a body of water (4 points) 

- Cremation (5 points)

10. A sparkly frog in a wizard outfit with a mushroom wand appears out of nowhere and screams “the entire universe’s existence depends on this question: ‘what is the meaning of life?’” 

- Yes (1 point)

- No (2 points)

- The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race (3 points)

- The children yearn for Red-40 (4 points)

- Add salt to taste (5 points)

Add up the points next to each answer choice. Read the description corresponding to the sum of the total points. 

• 10-17: Your spirit animal is a brown pigeon who lives happily on the streets of New York City eating bread crumbs and food waste in compost bins. You’re extremely flighty and get sick way too often. You work hard but your immune system definitely does not. You should exercise more and stop reading fanfiction at two in the morning. 
• 18-25: Your spirit animal is the much loved subway rat with a large happy family to cuddle with on the tracks. You love the busy and loud Stuy environment, but need some time to yourself for some self reflection and relaxation. Self care is key! 
• 26-33: Your spirit animal is one of the fish species miraculously living in the Hudson River. Your resilience is truly remarkable for living in such a toxic environment, and you desperately need a vacation to touch grass and interact with living creatures—your AI girlfriend doesn’t count. 
• 34-42: Your spirit animal is a waddling Canadian goose in one of the numerous parks across New York City. The world is your toilet—quite literally. You’re everywhere at once and know everything that’s going on. You probably run one of the many Stuy confession social media accounts and have no life. Frankly, it’s a little terrifying. 
• 43-50: Your spirit animal is a 17-year cycle cicada terrorizing city dwellers with insomnia. People call you an extrovert, but really, you just yap too much and don’t know when to stop. Your friends dread your appearance—in a loving way—because that means they’ll never get any work done. You distract yourself from doing work and need to be more productive. In fact, you should start your homework right now.