A Teacher’s Guide to Stuyvesant: Commonly Asked Questions and Answers

So you want to teach at Stuyvesant High School? Bold choice, and highly audacious. Only a rare breed can survive under the crushing expectations, harsh deadlines, and coffee that never quite kicks in fast enough.

Here are the questions every potential teacher frantically googles at 2 a.m.! Continue… if you dare. What’s the worst that could happen?

How good/experienced do I have to be at teaching?

Good news for all you fresh-faced college grads with the light still in your eyes: teaching at Stuyvesant doesn’t actually require any teaching skill at all! Your students will memorize the entire syllabus before you even know what subject you’re teaching. Make sure tests are difficult—our students often complain about finding the curriculum too simple. Add some spice to their life by reminding students that there’s a seventh page on the test when they have three minutes left. Bonus points if your class average is perpetually below passing—it makes you look even better!

Will I make a lot of money?

Of course! We here at Stuyvesant understand that teaching is a noble, worthy, and difficult profession. Our teachers are so highly valued that they get paid just enough to afford living in their own storage closet with a spouse, 2.5 kids, and a dog! Isn’t that generous? Just make sure you remember that half of your very large, amazing, new paycheck that’s not going to taxes will actually fund the robotics team (our favorite cult—I mean, club).

What are the students like?

Picture some amazing, smart, funny kids who will motivate you to be a better person every day. Now think about the opposite: stanky, depressed, brain-rotted zombies who think they know better than you, the supreme overlord who controls their grades. If they ingest too much caffeine, they’re even liable to hunt you down for a grade boost, no matter how small.

Is this a high-stress job?

No, no really, as long as you don’t think the following are stressful: spending countless sleepless nights frantically googling the lesson you’re meant to teach the next day (because the kids will press for details even beyond your master’s degree); grading students’ work (an exercise in torture as every student will have different answers, all of which are somehow correct); dealing with the alphas of the tiger-parent pack (they will come for you no matter what grade their kid got); and sobbing while you sprint away from students demanding one extra point on their tests. You might want to start cardio—trust us, you’ll need it.

When will I get my AirPods/phones/any piece of technology back?

Never. It doesn’t matter who you are or what position you’re in—if you’re caught with any personal tech inside the school building, it’ll be confiscated for the rest of eternity. So, you’d better make sure those AirPods are put away, or better yet, hidden behind your luscious locks of hair. We will, of course, provide Chromebooks to every teacher who requests one. Our spectacular data plan means it will only take a quick 42 minutes for your slides to load!

Do I have to bring my own food?

Nope! As a matter of fact, we actively encourage you not to bring or buy any outside food! Instead, get food from our Michelin-starred cafeteria, open (hopefully) during any of your prep periods (as long as they are not before fourth or after eighth). Enjoy your gourmet salad, authentic Italian pizza, and high-quality grilled chicken in your (shared) office! (Note: We are not responsible for any health problems that may occur from consumption of meals sponsored by the New York City Department of Education.)

Should I befriend students?

Your choice. Most teachers choose not to—who would want to be friends with sniveling, over-caffeinated teenagers who just want college recs? But if this is the first time someone actually wants to be your friend, go right ahead! The most common methods to enforce friendship are: assigning a niche, difficult extra credit assignment, and promising all your students a pizza party on a random Friday—spending the next three weeks hyping them up for it, using it as “motivation” to ace tests, and then “forgetting” about it before you eat the entire pizza in your office. You did pay for it with your own very large, amazing paycheck, after all! Unfortunately, you do have to be cautious—some of these students can and will try to bribe/blackmail/threaten you for better grades. Beware.

Where do I apply?

If you’re somehow still interested in becoming a teacher here (seriously, how?), we highly recommend reaching out to other teachers and students to further dissuade you from this torture. Otherwise, contact Principal Yu for an interview at least two years in advance, with your CV and 14 references already prepared. Stuyvesant is a very in-demand school—long wait times are guaranteed.

But isn’t this school understaffed?

Where in the thousand galaxies did you hear that?! We are not understaffed; we simply select our teachers with the utmost care and respect. So what if our school-exclusive training takes another 1,050,350 years? You should be so grateful we’re even bothering to prepare you for this! What really matters is that our students receive the most stressful—we mean, enriching academic experience possible. 

Anything else I need to know?

We have two major requirements for all our teachers:
- You must destroy at least 500 acres of trees a year. The method through which you accomplish this is entirely up to you; our most popular options are 100-page packets for each student (single-sided!) that you will never grade, or large motivational posters for your students to stare at while they pretend to pay attention. But even with the technology ban, make all your paper assignments due online.
- Our school has a very strict homework policy. Make sure the homework you assign always takes less than 30 minutes (but only if you’re the teacher with years of experience with the subject). If students ever email you complaining about how you’re breaking the rules, you can then complete the homework assignment in less than 30 minutes in front of Principal Yu and your subject’s Assistant Principal as proof.

We wish you the best of luck in your journey to becoming a teacher at Stuyvesant High School! If you have any further questions, email us at pleasesaveus@stuy.edu.