Didn't Wear Your Lab Goggles? You Pay the Price.

The demon looked back at me. "Insolent degenerate, thou shall be smited, and I shall condemn thy soul to torment in a cosmic eternity."

Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this situation. Let’s start at the beginning…

It was a normal school day, and from the start, I knew that everything so far was too good to be true. I wasn’t cold-called a single time, two of my teachers were out, and I even arrived early despite getting three hours of sleep! 

Unfortunately, due to my bad time management and an arduous journey up the stairs, I arrived late to the lab room. The teacher gave me a disappointed look while tapping on the attendance sheet with a pen. I didn’t need words to understand that I’d get points taken off. 

Instead of dwelling on that, I left to meet my lab partner, whom I happily greeted and informed of my situation.

“Three hours? What were you doing?” they exclaimed. “I bet you were on a League of Legends loss streak again, right?”

“I-I would never!“

“Anyways, all you have to do is take ammonia, hydrochloric acid, and cyanide and mix them together using your bare hands!”

Suddenly, my friend threw the beaker at me. I, of course, very effortlessly and nonchalantly caught it, when suddenly, the teacher came over. 

“Your terrifying scream was very disturbing, you know. I also see you’re not practicing lab safety by refusing to wear goggles. That's points off.”

Shoot. I’d completely forgotten in my rush. 

After giving my partner a bombastic side eye, I ran over to the goggle station and grabbed a pair. While trying to rejoin my partner, I slipped on a puddle of hydrofluoric acid, and the goggles were catapulted into scattered uranium that conveniently looked like a pentagram. I muttered, “Why are we being trusted with these chemicals?”

But suddenly, the goggles started to wriggle and writhe, and a kaleidoscope of colors emerged from within the makeshift summoning circle. They slowly began to unify and I could see tentacles and eyes flickering in and out, forming some sort of multidimensional monster. I tried to back away but my body was frozen, either magically or naturally, I couldn’t tell. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my glorious, wonderful, amazing partner rushing up to save me. 

“What’s going on?”

“Pathetic,” the beast seemed to roar.

It suddenly encased us within a black void. There was no gravity, no sound—nothing. My partner was stunned. 

“W-Where are we? I've seen standardized tests quieter than this.”

“That's a pretty low standard,” I responded.

“Silence, fool. Thou have summoned me-”

“Why are you using the word ‘thou’? That's only for people you're familiar with,” I interrupted.

"I hath requested SILENCE. It makes me sound very archaic and Lovecraftian.”

Trying to preserve myself, I decided against pointing out the incorrect conjugation of “hath” and nodded in compliance.

“As I was saying…I am the creature within Stuy, the sipper of students’ tears. My true name is too powerful for thy feeble minds. Thou may call me Joe-”

“Joe mama.”

Joe glared at my friend. “I named myself after a cup of coffee, a simple pleasure that grants respite from drowsiness. Although, I must say I prefer energy when it's…fresh. Hence, I have no time for such immature jokes. My reign of consumption shall start with thy blood.”

It rolled the blinking lights that I presumed to be its eyes, gave me a look, and in an instant, only a heap of my former friend’s skin was left. I gazed at the crumpled remains the same way I stared at my latest test results. 

“W-Wait. Please don't kill me. I need to get a 1600 on the SAT. I think you're super cool because my lab partner was super annoying. I-”

The demon looked back at me. “Insolent degenerate, thou shall be smited and I shall preserve thy soul to torment in a cosmic eternity.”

As I stood waiting for my demise while desperately wishing that the Spectator Humor Department wouldn’t flounder and die without me, I noticed something odd.

 Joe's cosmic form had scrunched into itself like a lemon. It wriggled and writhed in disgust like a used tissue. The creature gave me a disgusted look. “Repulsive! Thou slept for a mere three hours last night? Thou art not even a good snack.”

Before I could admit to my late-night League of Legends losing streak (you can never end on a loss), a figure came in to save me. I could see my savior brandishing a thermometer to slice through the cosmic emptiness into the pocket dimension.

“I hope you know you’re getting points taken off for making me seal an Eldritch deity.”

“No! Not thou!” it howled in response. My savior, whom I had quite cleverly deduced to be my science teacher, didn't even bother responding. Joe’s limp body was quickly skewered by a burette. Completely immobilized, Joe was unable to resist being roasted over a Bunsen burner and collected in a beaker. My knight in shining armor then chanted, “Foul beast, I shall once more banish you so that you may no longer feed on these students’ precious hours of sleep.”

At once, we returned to the lab room. Everyone stared at me, the teacher, and the remains of my lab partner—well, former lab partner. However, before I could abscond, the teacher turned to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

 “You know, there are plenty of these beings roaming around Stuy. They prey on the foolishness of students like you so that they may be given opportunities to roam free and plunge everyone into terror, all because of your hubris and adamant refusal to wear goggles. This is why we have rules in place: because they get summoned every time you break one.”

“I-I’m so sorry,” I stammered, blushing a bright red in front of all the students.

My teacher turned towards the snickering students and gestured at the flesh. “By the way, all our lips are sealed, correct? I hear you might meet a similar fate if you don't…”

The group immediately shut their mouths and everyone quickly dispersed. Now, turning towards me, the teacher whispered in a low voice, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. I expected better from you. Let’s just call it even if you help me clean up the remains and recite to me that you will never do anything like that ever again. The school will cover everything else up.”

I steeled myself and, with sincerity, looked at my teacher. “I will sincerely devote myself to this. I will never, ever handle dangerous chemicals with my bare hands without wearing goggles.”

“Thank you. Also, you’re getting a zero for the lab today.”

My grade was the most important thing lost that day.