Stuy Speaks For the Trees

On the first day of the new Stuyvesant school year, Principal Yu made a surprise announcement:

 “Welcome back to a new school year, everyone! In order to be more tree-friendly, Stuyvesant is going paperless! That means absolutely no paper anywhere, including cafeterias and bathrooms! Students caught with paper, including notebooks, cardboard, or looseleaf, will be promptly sent to Brooklyn Tech.

Also, if you see any confused freshmen, do not, and I repeat do NOT, under any circumstances, help them. I love watching their souls slowly die while they spend half a period searching for a gym. Bye, besties!” 

Upon first hearing this news, the Stuy community was optimistic that the school was finally changing for the better.

“Now students can stop doodling in their notebooks and pay attention! Oh, why don’t I let them use their phones or laptops? No way, that’s even more distracting! So what if they’re failing? If I was taking this class I would fail too—I have to Google everything the night before, anyway. It all looks like hieroglyphics,” a Calculus teacher admitted. 

However, the initial joy faded once they realized the ban was more extreme than they originally thought, cracking down harshly on students. All toilet paper, tissues, and even cardboard STC props were removed from the school, not to mention regular paper and looseleaf. A new security check was started as well, with school security thoroughly looking through bags for paper. 

 “I mean, before you get here, you always think that it can’t be that bad, right? Well I have been coming to this [BLEEP] hole for years, and this is the worst it’s ever been,” one senior ranted. “For [BLEEP] sake, my bagel was confiscated because it was in a paper bag. It’s fine, I’m used to starving anyway. But the toilet paper?! There’s no [BLEEP] toilet paper anywhere in this school! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE–” 

Freshman Ferrer Roch came to us nearly in tears. “The seniors are awful! None of the Big Sibs I asked told me where the gym was, so now I’m failing PE—oh, and I have nothing to write on in class. My teacher doesn’t allow phones or any other tech… I watched my average drop 30 points in a week! Even BMCC won’t accept me with these grades, so I guess I’m dropping out of Stuy earlier than I thought. Better go pack my stuff for when my parents disown me.” 

In fact, the paper ban has wreaked such havoc on the school that rebels have started an underground paper smuggling ring, rumored to be run by Mr. Moran, the OG himself.  

A student in the paper ring, who asked to remain anonymous, told us, “This is getting out of hand. I love trees, but I have to wipe my butt with my gym uniform. And wipe my hands with it. And take notes on it. Who knew the uniforms were so multi-purpose? But I’m running out of space, and it has weird stains on it—we need paper.” 

 Students and teachers alike are swapping money and paper during their frees with one eye over their shoulders. One of our reporters observed Principal Yu making one of these deals as well. 

“You got the goods?! I need this, man, I didn’t think it would be this soon, but I need this–,” he allegedly said. 

“Don’t worry, I got you,” a student answered, discreetly handing him a roll of Charmin toilet paper. 

“That’ll be five hundred bucks, your driver’s license, and a Stuyvesant diploma.” 

“Done, done, and done,” Principal Yu responded, before he caught the reporter watching. 

“Uh, HEY, ARE YOU SMUGGLING TOILET PAPER WHICH I WAS DEFINITELY NOT ABOUT TO BUY?!” he shouted, using the excuse of a paper bust to ‘confiscate’ the five rolls of toilet paper in the kid’s locker. 

“YOU [BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]! THIS ISN’T FAIR! YOU CAME TO MEEEEEE-,” howled the student as school security dragged him out of the school. We have new information that the student is now suing Principal Yu. 

In light of the recent events, Principal Yu has (wisely) decided to lift the paper ban on Stuyvesant. “I realize now that I have made a mistake. I can see that we do need paper in school, specifically the bathrooms,” Yu said over the PA system. “In order to raise student morale, I am happy to announce the school will now be using angel soft 2-ply toilet paper instead of the wax-tissue paper we have been using prior! Paper is in! Phones are out! A new phone ban will be going into effect tomorrow. Bye, besties!”